


Heart Sense

by Nurmengardx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Blind Castiel (Supernatural), Brief Balthazar/Castiel - Freeform, Castiel is an insecure bitch, Fluff, M/M, Minor Balthazar/Gabriel (Supernatural), Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Miscommunication, Pining, Stupidity, as usual, dumbassery, they're also kinda slutty, they're so stupid in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2020-07-10 07:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19901974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nurmengardx/pseuds/Nurmengardx
Summary: A person's Heart String appears during important moments in their Soulmate's life, and on a day they might meet. The colours match exactly, and every couple has their own unique colour. The only problem is, Castiel is blind.





	1. Chapter One

  


Castiel made his way down the street, the rough tarmac bumping against his cane. Warmth from the sun caressed his cheeks and he breathed in the smell of honeysuckle, a light breeze playing through his hair. He walked slowly, enjoying the fresh air, and the mix of smells from cafes and coffee shops. Voices surrounded him, but he didn’t pick up on any particular conversation, instead choosing to let the babble wash over him.

A car drove past and Cas twitched. An almost inaudible whisper tickled his ear. When he turned his head to focus on it, it was gone, but a couple of voices caught his ear as he turned.

‘I’m telling you, I saw it!’ one of them said.

‘I’m sure you did, Dean, but we’ve been walking around here for an hour now, can’t we just-’

‘Just ‘cause you found yours doesn’t mean you get to be a bitch about me trying to find mine.’ Their voices were coming closer, but before he could move out of the way, one of them said, ‘Dean, look out!’ but not quick enough to stop him from bowling Cas over.

He tried to angle himself, so as not to break his cane, but instead landed awkwardly on his wrist. He heard a snap, pain lanced up his arm, and he cried out. Holding his wrist close to his chest, he rolled onto his back.

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry,’ the man who hit him gasped.

‘Way to go, Dean,’ the other man said loudly.

‘Shut up, Sam,’ the man named Dean said. ‘Are you all right?’

‘No,’ Cas hissed through his teeth. ‘I think it’s broken.’ He sat up, trying to get his bearings. His wrist throbbed, but he felt around himself, checking he hadn’t lost anything. He gingerly pulled the strap of his cane from his broken wrist and transferred it to the other one. 

‘Where are my glasses?’ he said, sure he’d heard them clatter to the ground.

‘Here.’ Dean pressed them into his uninjured hand, and he hastily shoved them back onto his face.

‘Will you help me up?’ He reached out with his good arm, and Dean grabbed his hand.

He had a strong grip and warm hands. His fingers were rough and calloused, and he almost lifted Cas clean off his feet as he pulled him up.

‘Let us take you to the hospital,’ the man called Sam offered.

‘Yeah, it’s the least we can do,’ said Dean.

Cas hesitated. He would have preferred to go alone, but his wrist was swelling rapidly and becoming more painful. ‘All right.’ He one-handedly folded up his cane and it tucked it into the large pocket of his coat. He groped for Dean’s arm, but accidentally smacked him in the chest. ‘Sorry,’ he said, embarrassed.

‘It’s fine.’ Dean took Cas’s hand and placed it on his arm, which Cas squeezed tightly.

‘Keep that elevated,’ Sam said.

Cass assumed he meant his wrist, so he held it up to his shoulder.

‘Our car is just around the corner,’ Dean said, concern clear in his voice. ‘It won’t be long.’

Cas nodded, focusing on his footsteps, and feeling horribly unsteady without his cane. Neither Sam nor Dean warned him when they stepped down a curb, and only his grip on Dean’s arm kept him upright.

They stopped at what Cas assumed was their car, and Dean pulled away slightly to open the door for him.

Cas climbed awkwardly into the back seat, trying not to hit his wrist on anything, and settled on the comfortable leather seats.

‘You okay back there?’ Dean asked as he got in the driver’s seat.

‘Yes, thank you.’

The car roared to life, and Dean revved it a few times before pulling out of their parking space.

Cas thought he heard Sam tut, but it was hard to discern over the sound of the engine.

‘So, uh, introductions, I guess,’ Sam said. ‘I’m Sam, and this is my brother, Dean.’

‘I’m Castiel,’ said Cas, hissing as they went over a speedbump.

Dean snorted. ‘What kind of a name is Castiel?’

‘My friends call me Cas.’

‘Cas it is, then.’

‘You broke my wrist, I don’t think you quite qualify as a friend yet.’

Sam sniggered.

‘What were you doing when you stopped paying attention to your surroundings?’ Cas asked.

Dean didn’t respond and Sam laughed again. 

‘He thought he saw his Heart String,’ Sam told Cas.

‘ _Sam!’_

‘Oh.’

‘I did see it,’ Dean insisted.

‘Sure you did.’

Cas sighed and listened to them bicker. He’d lost interest in his own Heart String a long time ago.

  


Dean helped Cas back out of the car once they reached the hospital, and escorted him inside.

‘You can go now,’ Cas said, pulling his cane back out of his pocket.

‘Whoa, I don’t think so,’ said Dean. ‘We’re gonna stick around until you’re all fixed and take you home, right, Sam?’

Sam groaned.

‘You got somewhere else to be?’

‘No,’ Sam sighed.

‘It’s really not necessary,’ Cas said.

‘I insist.’

This time, Dean let Cas walk himself, but guided him to the front desk with a hand on his back.

Cas’s cane bumped against the desk and he stopped.

‘Can I help you?’ It was a woman’s voice.

‘Yes, I believe I have broken my wrist.’

‘Fill out these forms and come back.’

Cas heard the clatter of a clipboard on the desk. ‘Ma’am?’ he said, slightly impatiently.

‘Mhm?’

‘I’m blind, I can’t fill these out.’

‘Get your boyfriend to do it.’

‘I don’t know this man, I met him ten minutes ago.’

‘It’s all right, I’ll do it,’ said Dean.

‘You don’t-’

‘It’s fine, I got it.’

Dean walked him to the waiting area and sat down next to him.

‘All right, full name?’

‘Castiel Novak.’

Dean snorted again.

‘Laugh at my name one more time, and I’ll get that very nice receptionist to fill in these forms for me.’

‘Okay, okay, address?’

Cas recited his address and phone number for Dean to write down.

‘Visual impairment, totally blind?’

‘Totally blind,’ Cas confirmed.

‘That’s gotta be tough,’ said Dean. ‘And she didn’t sound like she was helping.’

‘I get that a lot.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. The form, Dean?’

‘Right. You’ve got your cane… Emergency contact?’

‘My brother Gabriel.’

Dean wrote down his details too. ‘Are you currently pregnant?’

Cas smiled despite the pain in his arm. ‘It’s possible, I am a little late this month.’

Dean laughed. ‘Anything else? Allergies? Meds?’

‘No.’

‘Great, I’ll take this up for you.’

Dean’s seat creaked as he got to his feet.

‘Sam, are you still here?’ Cas asked.

‘Unfortunately,’ Sam grumbled, from what sounded like the other side of Dean’s seat.

‘The doctor won’t be long,’ Dean said, sitting back down between them. ‘So, what were you doing around town?’

Sam sighed and the seats moved slightly as he got up. ‘You guys want coffee? I’m getting coffee.’

‘Is he okay?’ Cas asked as he left.

‘He’s fine, just ignore him. I do.’

‘If you say so.’

Dean shifted in his seat, and Cas felt him move a little closer.

‘I like to walk around town,’ Cas said. ‘It smells like honeysuckle in that area.’

‘Honeysuckle? That’s a flower?’

‘Yes, Dean, it’s a flower.’

‘Can’t say I’ve ever noticed it before.’

‘You don’t seem like a noticing flowers kind of person.’

‘Maybe I will from now on.’

Cas smiled again. ‘Sam said you saw your Heart String?’

‘I might have,’ Dean told him. ‘It was only for a second, so I could have been wrong.’

‘What’s it like?’ Cas asked curiously. 

‘It’s hard to describe,’ Dean admitted. ‘It’s like it’s there, but it isn’t.’

‘Have you seen it before?’

‘A few times. Why don’t you ask your brother about this?’

Cas shrugged. ‘He doesn’t like to talk about it. He says it’s an ugly colour.’

‘Oh?’

‘He says it’s yellow.’

Dean laughed. ‘Yeah, that’s ugly.’

‘I wouldn’t know. Is yours nice?’

‘It’s not yellow.’

A voice called from across the room. ‘Castiel Novak?’

Cas got to his feet, wincing as his wrist throbbed. 

‘This way,’ Dean said, gently pushing his elbow around until he was facing the right direction.

  


Cas had his x-rays done, and his wrist wrapped in a cast and a sling. He had also been given some painkillers, and felt a lot better.

‘Ouch, how long is that gonna be on?’ Sam asked as they came back out into the waiting area.

‘Six weeks,’ Cas told him.

‘Will you be all right?’

‘Yes, luckily I’m ambidextrous.’

‘What?’ said Dean.

‘It means I can - handle things with both hands,’ Cas said. 

‘I bet you can.’

‘Ugh,’ Sam groaned. ‘Can we go now?’

‘All right, keep your hair on, we’re going.’

Cas took Dean’s arm again, and the pain had calmed down enough for Cas to be able to appreciate the firm muscles beneath his jacket.

‘You like that?’ Dean said, a cocky tone filling his voice.

‘It’s not bad.’

‘You should feel the rest of ‘em.’

‘Oh my God,’ Sam complained.

‘Are you always like this?’ Cas asked Dean.

‘Nah.’

‘Yes,’ said Sam. 

‘Don’t listen to him, he’s cranky.’

Dean helped Cas back into the car, and Cas caught a faint smell of cinnamon. Dean’s hand briefly brushed Cas’s thigh, and Cas pretended not to notice.

‘My place isn’t far from where you hit me.’

‘I am sorry about that, you know. Maybe I can make it up to you sometime?’

Sam groaned again and Dean laughed.

‘Maybe you should watch where you’re going next time,’ Cas teased.

‘Only if you do.’

‘I can certainly try,’ Cas said, smiling widely.

  


Cas had a small apartment on the second floor of his building. He was confident with the layout of the building, but let Sam and Dean accompany him upstairs.

Cas unlocked the door and went inside, hanging his cane up on a hook next to the front door, along with his keys.

‘This is your place?’ Dean asked, coming in behind him. 

‘I’d be worried about the security of the building if it was someone else’s.’

Dean laughed again, and Cas shivered.

‘How come you’ve got so many books?’ Dean asked.

‘They’re obviously in Braille, Dean,’ Sam said, sounding impatient.

‘Yes, I read in Braille, but recently I’ve found myself listening to a lot of audiobooks.’

‘You actually have the attention span for that?’

Cas listened to Dean’s footsteps as he walked around the apartment.

‘I’m not easily distracted,’said Cas.

‘You sure about that?’

‘Okay, I’m going back to the car,’ Sam said. ‘Nice to meet you, Castiel. I hope your arm gets better.’

‘Yes, nice to meet you too, Sam.’ 

Sam’s long strides echoed down the corridor outside, but Dean remained inside the apartment. 

‘Usually, I’d do something super smooth, like leave my number on a napkin, or something,’ Dean said.

‘Usually?’ Cas said, moving towards Dean’s voice. ‘Do you often knock people over and break their wrists?’

‘Well, not exactly that.’

Cas reached out for him, and accidentally pressed his hand into Dean’s chest, though he wasn’t particularly quick to move it. ‘You’re right, those are nice.’

Dean lightly ran his fingers up and down Cas’s good arm. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing else I can do for you before I go?’

The space between them closed, and the air warmed around them.

Cas felt along Dean’s jawline, the stubble grazing his fingertips. He pulled Dean down to his lips.

They were softer than he was expecting, but the feeling of Dean’s tongue in his mouth sent thrills through his body. He let himself enjoy it for a few moments, but pulled himself away.

‘Your brother is waiting,’ Cas said breathlessly.

‘So let him wait.’

But Cas pushed him back. ‘Come back to me when my arm is healed,’ he said, ‘then I’ll show you what I can grip with both hands.’

‘I’m sure you will,’ Dean chuckled, moving away.

‘Put your number in my phone, so I can call you,’ Cas told him, passing over his phone.

Dean gave Cas his phone back. ‘It was very nice to meet you, Castiel,’ Dean said. ‘And I hope I hear from you soon.’

Cas let Dean kiss him once more, before backing him out of the door, locking it behind him. All of a sudden, he realised how hot he was, and went over to the kitchen sink.

‘That was very strange,’ he murmured to himself, splashing cold water on his neck. ‘I wonder…’

He touched his own chest with his good hand, but whether or not his Heart String was there, he couldn’t feel it.

  
  



	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two 

Cas wandered around his apartment, ignoring the itching in his cast. It had been two weeks since he had broken it. Two weeks since he had met Dean. He couldn't stop thinking about their kiss, and his stomach churned every time he replayed it in his head. 

He hadn't called Dean yet, nor had Dean called him. 

He absent-mindedly pulled a random book from one of his bookcases, and sat at the kitchen counter, but he couldn't concentrate on it. He fidgeted on the tall stool, and finally gave up, grabbing his phone. 

'Siri, call Dean.'

He heard the phone dial, then Dean's voice on the other end. 

' _ Hey,'  _ he said, and Cas could hear the smile in his voice. 

'Hello, Dean,' Cas said, a smile colouring his own voice. 

' _ I didn't think I'd be hearing from you yet.' _

'Well, I realised I didn't get your last name, so I thought I'd call and check.'

' _ Ah, I see. It's Winchester. Dean Winchester.' _

'That's a nice name.'

' _ Yeah it is pretty cool. Better than yours anyway.' _

'Don't push it,' Cas chuckled.

There was a brief silence. 

_ 'So,'  _ Dean said slowly.  _ 'I was thinking, I don't think I can wait another month to see you again.' _

'In that case, you're in luck,' said Cas, his heart fluttering. 'I've thought of something you could help me with.'

' _ Is that so?'  _

'There are some things I just can't do with this cast on…' 

' _ I'm sure I could give you a hand,'  _ Dean laughed. ' _ You free later? I could drop by.' _

'That sounds good to me.'

_ 'All right, then. I'll see you later.' _

Cas put his phone down on a tray he kept for it on the counter, and hopped down from the stool, then put his sunglasses next to it before taking a nice long shower, wrapping his cast in plastic and holding it outside the shower.

He rifled through his wardrobe with a towel around his waist, feeling all the labels for the right clothes. He ended up in a soft sweater and an easily removed pair of pants.

It wasn’t long until he heard a knock at the door, and he walked over to it, putting his sunglasses back on as he went.

As he opened the door, he smelled leather and cinnamon, and smiled. ‘Hello, Dean.’

‘How’d you know it was me?’ Dean asked, stepping over the threshold.

‘Your smell,’ Cas told him, closing the door. 

‘Oh, sorry.’

‘No, it’s nice.’ Cas moved towards Dean’s voice, near the couch.

‘Listen, you’re blind,’ said Dean, ‘so I don’t know how to tell you you’re wearing a fluorescent pink sweater.’

Cas frowned and felt the label again. ‘It’s supposed to be gray. Is it bad?’

‘I’m not gonna lie, it’s not great.’

‘I’m going to kill Gabriel.’

‘I really think you should take it off.’

Cas laughed. ‘Maybe you could help me with it.’

‘With pleasure.’

Cas felt Dean’s hands at his hips, then slid under his sweater. Dean’s fingers were rough and calloused, and tickled Cas’s side as they moved up. He pulled Dean down to meet his mouth, and tasted cherry. ‘Are you wearing lip balm?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, you like it?’

Cas laughed and kissed Dean again, running his good hand through Dean’s hair, then down his neck, and pushed off his jacket.

Dean lifted the hem of Cas’s sweater and deftly pulled it over his head, without even knocking his sunglasses, or his wrist.

‘Wait, wait,’ Cas said, holding Dean back for a moment. ‘You’re not one of those people that needs to do the looking into their partner’s eyes thing, are you? Because I can’t really do that.’

Dean snorted. ‘I can think of plenty of things we can do that don’t involve that, but maybe I should get a look at them and see what I’m dealing with here.’

‘Why should you get that privilege when I don’t?’ Cas teased.

‘Come on,’ said Dean. ‘Please?’

Cas hesitated and said, ‘Well, since you said please’, then took off his sunglasses, and tried to aim his eyes in Dean’s general direction.

Dean inhaled sharply, and murmured, ‘Whoa.’

A whisper tickled Cas’s ear. 

‘What? Are they being strange again?’ Cas made to put his glasses back on, but Dean grabbed his wrist. 

‘No, they’re beautiful,’ Dean whispered, before kissing Cas even more fiercely than he had before.

Cas dropped his glasses, kissing Dean back, and reaching down for Dean’s belt buckle.

‘Which way to the bedroom?’ Dean said breathlessly.

‘Back there,’ Cas gasped as Dean brushed his lips against the spot behind his ear. He pulled Dean back towards the bedroom, but in his haste, misjudged where he was in the room, and tripped over the couch. 

‘I’ve got you,’ Dean laughed, catching him before he hit the ground. Then he lifted Cas up and carried him to the bedroom, kissing him the whole way.

They lay sprawled out in bed together, Cas keeping one hand resting on Dean’s bare stomach.

‘That was awesome,’ said Dean, breathing heavily. ‘You’ve definitely done that before.’

‘What, you thought I hadn’t?’ Cas said, equally as breathless. 

‘Doesn’t matter what I thought,’ Dean said, rolling over and kissing him lazily. 

‘It’s been a while though,’ Cas said slyly. ‘Not since you broke my wrist.’

‘You call that a while? It’s been two weeks!’ Dean said incredulously.

Cas laughed and reached for his glasses, but remembered that he’d dropped them on the living room floor. ‘What you said before…’ Cas mumbled. ‘What do they look like? My eyes?’

Dean shifted, surprised. ‘Has no one ever told you?’

‘Most people prefer not to look at them. I can’t control them and they’re often lopsided.’ 

‘They’re a little… off centre, but that doesn’t bother me.’

‘No?’

‘Not at all. They’re a really amazing colour.’

Cas smiled. ‘I know that they’re blue, but I don’t really know what that means.’

Dean shifted again and traced a finger over Cas’s collarbones. ‘You know when you go to the beach?’ he said. ‘And it’s a hot day, and you go to put your feet in the water? You’re expecting it to be cold, but it’s actually warm?’

Cas nodded.

‘They’re like that.’

Cas pulled his hand away. ‘That… sounds nice.’ No one had described colour to him like that before, not even Gabriel.

‘They are.’

Cas’s heart fluttered again. ‘What are yours like?’ he asked. He felt Dean shrug beneath his fingers.

‘I don’t know. They’re green.’

‘Green…’ Cas said slowly. ‘Grass is green.’

Dean chuckled. ‘Yeah, grass is green.’ Dean moved his arm and jumped. ‘Whoa, is that the time? I gotta go, I'm supposed to pick Sam up in like ten minutes,’ he said. 

‘Oh.’

Dean rolled out of the bed. There was a rustle of clothes and the jangling of his belt buckle as he threw his clothes back on. ‘Listen, this was fun,’ he said. There were a few thumps on the ground, that Cas couldn’t identify. ‘I’ll call you later, okay?’

‘All right,’ said Cas. ‘You know, I think I might let you call me Cas now.’

‘We’re there now, are we?’ Dean asked.

‘I’d say so.’

Dean laughed. ‘All right, Cas.’

‘Oh, Dean?’ 

‘Yeah?’

‘Can you put my glasses on the counter next to my phone on your way out? I don’t want to accidentally step on them.’

‘Sure. See you later.’

Cas heard Dean leave the room, stop in the living room, then continue to the front door, closing it behind him.

Cas sighed and grinned to himself, taking himself back to the shower, careful not to trip on any of his clothes on the way.

Over the next few weeks, Dean stopped by more and more often, until he was at Cas’s apartment almost every day. 

He was already there when Cas came back from having his cast removed.

‘Hey.’

Cas jumped. ‘Dean, I didn’t know you were here.’

‘What, you didn’t smell me?’

‘You didn’t eat any cinnamon rolls today.’

‘Is that what that is?’

Cas smiled as Dean kissed him on their way inside.

Dean waited patiently for Cas to hang up his keys and cane, then grabbed him by the hips.

'I see you got the cast off,’ Dean murmured into Cas’s ear, pushing him back towards the couch. ‘I seem to remember you telling me you’d show me what you can do with both hands.’

‘That’s right, I did say that,’ Cas grinned, putting his glasses on the counter.

He spun Dean around and pushed him down onto the couch. 

They were half way through taking off their clothes, when the front door opened again.

‘Whoa!’

‘Gabriel!’ Cas exclaimed, pushing himself away from Dean. 

‘Gabriel?’ Dean said, confused.

‘Where’s my…’ Cas mumbled, face flushing.

‘Shirt? Here,’ Dean said, putting it in his hands. 

Cas hastily shoved it over his head, and the couch lifted as Dean stood up.

‘I can come back later if you guys are busy,’ Gabriel said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

‘What are you doing here, Gabriel?’ Cas demanded.

‘It’s Tuesday,’ said Gabriel. ‘I always come over on Tuesday, remember?’

Cas groaned. 

‘Wow. He that good he made you forget what day it is?’

‘Yes I am,’ Dean said proudly.

‘Who is this guy? New boyfriend?’

‘I prefer the term booty call,’ Dean laughed.

‘Oh, good, he’s smart.’

‘Not really. Listen, Cas, I’m gonna go. Call me later?’

‘Talk to you later, Dean.’ Dean’s keys clinked and the front door opened, then closed.

There was silence for a moment, then Gabriel burst into laughter.

‘Amazing.’

‘Shut up, Gabriel,’ Cas grumbled, getting up and groping for his glasses.

‘I haven’t seen you that naked since-’

‘ _ Gabriel!’ _

_ ‘ _ All right, jeez,’ Gabriel laughed. ‘So are you gonna tell me about him, or not?’

‘Only if you tell me why you labelled my pink sweater wrong.’

Gabriel snorted. ‘I didn’t think anyone would ever point it out. You’ve been wearing that sweater for years, but no one ever has the heart to tell a blind guy he’s wearing weird clothes.’

‘I could kill you.’

‘You’d have to catch me first.’

‘You’re so mean!’ Cas exclaimed, though he couldn’t stop himself from laughing. ‘I was wearing it the first time he came over.’

‘Oops.’

‘Is that the only thing you labelled wrong?’

‘Yes.’

Cas pressed his lips together suspiciously.

‘So come on, tell me about him.’

‘Why? I don’t tell you about any of my other hookups.’

‘Your  _ what?’ _

‘Why does everyone assume I’m so innocent?’

‘It’s definitely the blind thing,’ Gabriel said sagely. ‘It probably makes people think you don’t know what goes where.’

‘I know what-’

‘ _ Anyway,’  _ Gabriel said firmly. ‘He seemed like more than that, so sit down, I’ll make coffee.’

‘What makes you think he’s more?’ Cas said, sitting on the couch.

‘One of his jackets is hanging up on your coat stand.’

‘It is?’ Cas said, surprised. 

‘And it’s not the one he was wearing just now, so clearly he’s been here more than once, which he wouldn’t have been if he was just a hookup.’

‘Oh, what are you, a detective?’

‘Yep.’

Cas groaned and leaned back against the couch. ‘Fine. His name is Dean.’

‘I got that much.’

‘Stop interrupting. He’s the one that broke my arm, that’s how we met.’

‘Oh, so he broke your arm and you figured, why not hit that?’

‘Essentially.’

‘Ew.’

‘You asked.’

Gabriel put a mug of coffee in Cas’s hands. 

‘I’m enjoying my time with Dean,’ Cas admitted, ‘but it’s nothing more than that.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘It can’t be more than that, I’m not his Soulmate.’

‘How do you know?’

Cas sighed. ‘Aren’t you supposed to just know when you meet them?’

‘I don’t know. I haven’t met mine.’

‘That’s what I hear. They meet each other and then they see each other’s Heart String, and that’s it.’

‘How do you know that hasn’t happened?’

‘I can’t see it, but Dean would have said so if he’d seen mine.’

Gabriel sipped his coffee noisily. 

‘When was the last time you saw your Heart String?’ Cas asked curiously, and Gabriel choked on his coffee.

‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘You made me tell you about Dean,’ Cas implored. ‘Please, Gabriel, I’m never going to see mine.’

Gabriel groaned, but relented. ‘I saw mine a few days ago, just for a second.’

‘Is it really ugly?’

Gabriel sighed. ‘No,’ he admitted. ‘I just don’t like it.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s changed colour four times already,’ Gabriel told him. ‘I doesn’t look like I’m going to be very lucky.’

Cas sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it upset you that much.’

‘It’s okay. It’s harder for you, not being able to see it at all. Although, I am a little concerned about the seriousness of this conversation, this isn’t like us,’ Gabriel joked.

Cas chuckled. ‘You’re right, we should probably get back to playing dumb jokes and being jerks to each other.’

‘Absolutely,’ Gabriel said, getting up. ‘Everything cool, you need me to look at anything? How’s your calendar?’

Cas heard Gabriel going through all his cupboards.

‘I’m gonna have some groceries delivered.’

‘I can do that myself.’

‘No, I'll do it. I’ll get it delivered, and then I’ll come back and label it for you.’

‘I’ll let you send it, if you go away so I can call Dean back.’

‘That’s fair. See you later.’

Gabriel finally left the apartment and Cas hastily grabbed his phone.

‘ _ Is he gone?’  _ Dean asked.

‘Yes, he’s gone.’

Dean’s laugh sounded slightly more tinny over the phone.  _ ‘Not the way I wanted to meet your brother, I gotta say.’ _

‘It’s not ideal,’ Cas smiled. 

‘ _ So listen, I had an idea. We’ve been sleeping together what, a month now?’ _

_ ‘ _ Yes.’

‘ _ I think it’s about time we went on a date, what do you think?’ _

‘Oh,’ Cas said in surprise. ‘All right. Where are we going? Will I need my cane?’

_ ‘It’s this nice new diner uptown. You can bring your cane, but I'll help you inside. What do you say?' _

_ ' _ You sound excited about it,' Cas smiled. 

' _ Yeah, it seems like a really nice place.' _

_ ' _ As long as you're okay with reading me the menu, I'd love to go with you.'

_ 'Of course. Pick you up at seven?'  _

_ ' _ All right. See you tomorrow.'

' _ See ya.'  _

Cas plugged his phone in, left it in the tray on the counter, and walked over to his coat stand. He felt his own coat hanging on it, but felt another jacket as he moved his hands around it. It felt worn, and had a lot of buttons on it. He pulled it off the stand and ran it through his fingers. It smelled like Dean. He hung it back up once he had confirmed that it was Dean's, and that Gabriel wasn't messing with him. 

He went to bed light-hearted that night, butterflies squirming in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back to dumbasses in love. Thanks to Summer and asfaloth12 for the comments!  
> See you again next time!


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Cas excitedly got dressed, feeling the labels of his clothes carefully. It had been a long time since he’d been on an actual date, usually preferring to skip that part.

There was a knock at the door, so Cas grabbed his glasses and cane, and opened the door.

‘Hey,’ said Dean, lightly brushing Cas’s arm.

‘Hello,’ Cas smiled.

‘Uh, Cas?’ Dean said hesitantly. ‘Are you - are you wearing yellow pants on purpose?’

‘What? No!’

‘I think Gabriel’s messing with you again.’

‘I’m going to kill him. Actual murder. Hold on a sec.’ He pulled out his phone and pressed the home button until he heard it beep. ‘Siri, text Gabriel.’

“ _ What do you want the message to say?” _

‘Don’t come around anymore unless you want to get stabbed,’ Cas said into his phone. ‘Send.’

“ _ Sent message.” _

Cas sighed and rubbed his forehead. ‘This is embarrassing, but would you help me find some pants?’

Dean laughed softly. ‘Of course I can.’ He and Cas went back into the bedroom and looked through Cas’s wardrobe.

‘Is there anything in there that doesn’t look like it goes?’ Cas asked, running his hands over his clothes.

‘Aside from this pink sweater, you mean?’

Cas laughed. 

'I have an idea.' Dean made some clacking sounds, moving the hangers around in the wardrobe. 'Here-' He grabbed Cas’s hand and put it on an empty hanger. 'I'm gonna put anything ugly or brightly coloured on the other side of the hanger so they don't get mixed up with your regular clothes.'

'Thank you,' said Cas. 'Will you pick me out some pants while I take these off?' 

'Sure.'

Cas stripped off the pants and handed them to Dean, who hung them up on the ugly side of the wardrobe. 

'These are just regular pants?' Cas asked, feeling the label of the pair Dean handed him. 

'Just regular pants,' Dean confirmed. 

Just has he zipped up his pants, Cas’s phone beeped. 

'Read message,' he said into it. 

" _ Haha you found the yellow pants. Tell Dean I said hi."  _

'Jerk,' Cas muttered. 

Dean stroked Cas’s cheek and kissed him. 'You ready to go?' 

Cas nodded, and put on his coat on their way out. 

'You get to go in the front seat this time,' said Dean, opening the passenger door for Cas, and making sure he got in all right. 

'This seems like a nice car, Dean,' Cas said, feeling the leather seat underneath him. 'Is this - is this a tape deck?' he asked incredulously, running his hands over the dashboard. 

'Yeah, it is. How'd you know?' 

'Gabriel used to have one,' Cas smiled. 'He had this awful car, I don't remember what kind, but it used to make so much noise, we'd have to have the music on full volume to drown it out.' He ran his hands over it again, feeling all the dials and buttons. 'I haven't seen one of these in years.'

'I don't think you've ever  _ seen  _ one,' Dean joked. 

'You're hilarious,' Cas said sarcastically. 'I'd roll my eyes, but I don't think it would have quite the same effect.' 

Dean laughed loudly. 'I'm glad you like it. Sam thinks it's weird.'

'I much prefer it to these new touch screen things. Most people don't have them set up for voice commands.'

'They're stupid anyway.'

'They are,' Cas agreed. 

Dean started the car, and Cas continued feeling around, eventually finding his way to Dean's leg. He was wearing his usual thick denim, and he fidgeted at Cas’s touch. 

'You know, I'm wearing something special right now,' Dean said playfully. 

'Oh, are you?' 

'Yeah, maybe I'll let you feel it later.'

'Well, you know how much I like to feel it.'

Dean laughed again. 

They weren't driving for long, and Dean pulled the car smoothly into a parking spot. He came around Cas’s side and opened the door. 

'Cane or arm?' he asked. 

'Arm,' said Cas, reaching out for him. 

Dean helped him out of the car and walked him towards the diner. 

He could hear it from across the parking lot. Friendly babble and glasses clinking, as could already tell it had a good atmosphere. 

'Have you been to a lot of places in town?' Dean asked. 

'Not really,' Cas told him. 'Gabriel takes me out sometimes but seedy bars are more his scene.'

'I take it they're not yours?' 

'Not really. They smell bad.'

'You're not wrong.'

Once inside the diner, Cas was greeted by warm air and a mixture of cooking smells. 

'Hi, guys, table for two?' a woman with an upbeat voice said. 

'Yes, please,' said Dean. 

'All right, come with me.'

Dean walked Cas through the diner. 

'Careful, chair leg,' Dean said, pulling him to the left. 

Cas gripped his arm tightly, still enjoying the biceps beneath the shirt.

'Here we are,' the woman said. 'Can I get you guys anything to drink?' 

'Sure, two lemonades, please,' said Dean, helping Cas into his seat. 

'Lemonade?' Cas asked once the woman was gone. 

'What? I'm driving.'

Cas moved his legs around under the table until he found Dean's and rested his ankle there. The table they were sitting at was solid, with a thick layer of varnish. 

Soon, the waitress returned with their drinks. 

'It's on your left here,' she said to Cas, putting it down on a coaster next to his left hand.

'Thank you.'

'Let me know when you're ready to order.'

Cas took a sip of his lemonade. 'That's not bad,' he said. 

'Here, check this out,' Dean said. He rustled some paper and bounced his leg excitedly under the table. 

He slid the paper across the table to Cas and grabbed his hands, placing them on the paper so Cas could feel the little bumps under his fingers. 

'The menus are in Braille,' Dean said proudly. 

Cas grinned. 'Is that why you wanted to bring me here?' 

'Yep,' said Dean. 'The owner's daughter is blind, and it's really important to them that everybody gets to read the menu. It's colorblind friendly too.'

Cas smiled, happily reading the menu himself. 

'Are you always this thoughtful with your dates?' Cas asked. 

'I wouldn't exactly call them dates,' Dean sniggered. 'But I did always enjoy a challenge.'

'I wouldn't call myself challenging.'

'Yeah, you were easy all right,' said Dean, 'but I wanted to see what else we could do.'

'Is that so?' 

'Yeah, I mean, so far you're my longest running hookup, so I figure, why not?' 

Cas could hear the smirk in his voice. 'What about your Soulmate?' he asked. 

'Hardly anyone gets to meet their Soulmate, so why shouldn't we have some fun?'

'That's reasonable.'

'I'm a reasonable guy.'

Cas heard footsteps as the waitress came over. 

'You ready to order?' she asked. 

'I will have the cheeseburger and fries,' Dean told her, folding his menu so it made a crackling sound. 

'You read my mind,' said Cas. 'I'll take the same, please.'

'All right, no problem.' She left again. 

'A man of good taste, I see,' said Dean. 'I like it.'

Cas tapped his fingers against the table, enjoying the sound the varnish made against his fingernails. 'So, Dean?' he said slowly. 'You said I'm your longest running hookup. Have you had many?' 

Dean snorted. 'You could say that.'

'Oh?' 

'Probably around thirty.'

'Really?' 

'Well, what about you?' Dean said hastily. 

Cas shrugged. 'I lost count.'

Dean choked on his lemonade. ' _ What?'  _

'Are you okay?' Cas laughed. 

'What does that mean, you lost count?'

'Exactly that, I stopped counting.'

'Wow. I never thought I'd meet someone sluttier than I am,' Dean laughed incredulously. 'How'd you do it?' 

'Um,' Cas cleared his throat. 'I do the whole I'm helpless and blind and need a strong man to help me bit.'

Dean laughed loudly, slapping his hand against the table. 

'It works most of the time.'

'Oh man, you're a riot. Are they always as hot as me, though?'

'Wouldn't you like to know.'

'Come on, give me something.'

'I have to keep some secrets, Dean,' said Cas. 'You already know my social security number.'

'Hey, I worked really hard to forget that.'

Cas heard the waitress coming back. 

'All right, here are your burgers,' she said, placing them down on the table. 'Be careful of the little stake in the burger,' she said to Cas, 'and we've got you some onion rings on the house.'

'Oh, thank you.' Cas ate a few of his fries. 'I hear that sometimes people know things about their Soulmate through their String,' he said casually. 'What about you?' 

'We're getting up close and personal now, are we?' 

'If you don't mind.'

'All right. I can see why you'd be curious.' Dean stopped to take a bite of his burger. 'I know he's a he,' Dean said with his mouth full. 'I think he's around my age. Not a lot happens to him, I don't think. The String is supposed to show up when important things happen, right? But I haven't seen mine very often.'

'That's interesting,' Cas nodded. 

'I can make guesses based on when I saw it. So I  _ think  _ he graduated high school, and I think something bad happened to him once. You don't really feel the other person's emotions through the String, unless it's really strong, but I did feel it one time. Have you ever felt yours?'

'I don't think so,' Cas frowned. 'If I had, I wouldn't be able to attribute it to the other person since I can't see the String.'

'That makes sense. Do you know anything at all about them?' 

Cas shook his head. 'No, but I'm going to assume it's a man. I'm definitely a homo, so it would be weird if it were a woman.'

Dean laughed, and choked again. 

'Chew your food, Dean,' Cas snorted. 

'Don't you ever wonder about yours?' Dean asked, coughing slightly.

'I used to, but I'm not likely to ever come across him.'

'You could get lucky.'

'I'd need more than just luck,' Cas said wryly. 'I'd need a miracle.' 

'You're not the only one,' Dean said kindly, taking Cas’s hand. 'I like hanging out with you though.'

'Me too.'

'You wanna share some pie with me?' 

'That would be nice.'

Dean ordered them some apple pie, and toed Cas’s leg under the table. 'Do you know what you look like?' 

Cas raised his eyebrows, surprised. 'Gabriel's told me before. My mother once told me she thinks I'm handsome.'

'You're definitely more than that,' Dean said. 'No joke, you're straight fire, dude.'

Cas laughed. 'Well, I'd return the compliment, but…' 

'Hey, man, I know I'm hot, you don't need to tell me. And I know you think so too, you're always feeling me up.'

Cas laughed. 'What do you want me to do? Am I supposed to stare at you from across the room? Undress you with my eyes?' 

'You could undress me with your hands.'

'Oh yeah? Finish your pie and let's go.'

'Yes, sir.'

Dean paid for the meal and helped Cas back outside, holding his hand until they got to the car. 

Cas was able to get in himself this time, now that he was familiar with the car, and waited patiently for Dean to get in and drive them away from the diner. 

'Thank you for dinner, Dean.'

'No problem.'

Cas didn't say anything else for a while, but then a smile crept across his face. He put his hand on Dean's thigh, then slid it up and into Dean's jeans. 

Dean's hands jerked on the wheel and the car swerved. 'Whoa, hey, w-what are you doing there, Cas?' 

'You said you were wearing something special, I wanted to know what it was. Are these silk?'

'Ye- yeah they are, but I'm - I'm driving, can you-? 

'You want me to move my hand?' 

'Yeah, I -  _ not like that-'  _

'I think you'd better pull over, Dean.' 

'I - I can't, we're on a - a main road.'

'Are we?' Cas said innocently. 

'Jeez, Cas,' Dean said nervously, squirming in his seat. 

'I wouldn't move too much, if I were you.'

'God.'

'Pull over.'

'I'm trying, I'm trying.'

Finally, Dean made a sharp turn in the car and stopped, then grabbed Cas and yanked him over the seat into the back of the car. 

'Ouch,' Cas complained as he hit his head on the roof of the car. 

'That's your own fault,' Dean murmured, hurriedly unbuttoning Cas’s shirt. 

'You're right, we should go,' Cas teased, making to go back into the front seat. 

'I don't think so,' said Dean, holding his arm. 'Don't start what you can't finish.'

Cas laughed, but kissed Dean hard, Dean's hand on the back of his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to Summer for the comment!  
> Hope you all enjoyed it and I'll see you again soon!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone, sorry about the hiatus. Thanks to Summer and liesje_86 for the comments!  
> See you again soon!

‘You need a TV in here,’ Dean said to Cas, as they lay on Cas’s couch together one evening, sharing a bag of nachos.

‘What for?’ Cas scoffed. ‘I would have thought I’d be entertaining enough myself.’

‘You know, most shows have audio description these days.’

‘That means paying attention, and how am I supposed to do that when you’re here?’

‘That is an excellent point.’ Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s, and Cas pushed him away, laughing.

‘We’re out of chips,’ Cas said, attempting to extricate himself from Dean.

‘Oh no, what a disaster.’

‘Come on, Dean, I’m hungry,’ Cas complained, finally stumbling to his feet. He dug through one of the cupboards, feeling for the labels that Gabriel was supposed to have stuck on.

‘By your left hand,’ Dean called. ‘Yeah, that one.’

Cas grabbed the bag, but there was a knock at the door.

‘Uh-oh,’ Dean muttered, and Cas heard him scramble to his feet, then the bathroom door closed.

Cas opened the bag of chips, then went to the front door.

‘Hey, Cas,’ Sam said.

‘Hello, Sam.’ He shook the bag of chips in Sam’s direction. ‘You want some?’

‘Uh - no thanks. Is Dean here?’

‘I haven’t seen him,’ Cas said, completely truthfully.

‘Oh. Okay, well, if you hear from him, can you tell him I’m looking for him?’

‘Of course.’

‘Thanks. See you later.’ Sam left, and Cas closed the door. 

‘You want to tell me why you’re hiding from your brother?’ Cas called out. 

‘No,’ came Dean’s muffled voice from the bathroom.

‘Dean.’

‘You don’t know him very well, so you don’t know how annoying he gets.’

‘Dean, will you come out here, I’m not talking to you through the bathroom door.’

Dean opened the bathroom door, came out and rested his hands on Cas’s hips. 

'He's just been getting in my face and it's getting on my nerves,' he said, lifting Cas up onto the kitchen counter. 

'About what?' Cas asked, lazily draping his arms around Dean's neck. 

'Nothing much. Usual stuff.' He kissed Cas softly and Cas felt Dean's fingers brush his ears. 'You mind taking these off a minute?' he said, lightly touching Cas’s sunglasses. 

Cas shrugged, and felt them lift off his face. 

Dean sighed, and didn't say anything for a moment, then, 'You haven't seen me?' he snorted. 

'It's true, I haven't,' Cas laughed. 'It's not my fault Sam didn't ask me anything else.'

Dean kissed him again, and nuzzled his neck, but then Dean's phone buzzed in his back pocket. 

'Ignore it,' Cas said, wrapping his legs around Dean. 

'You don't have to tell me twice.'

Just then, the front door suddenly burst open. 

'I knew you were here!' Sam's voice said furiously. 

'You know, this is technically breaking and entering,' Cas grumbled, none too pleased himself. 

'I know, I'm sorry, but it's an emergency,' Sam said. 

'What emergency?' Dean asked, voice turning seriously. 

'You would know if you answered your phone,' Sam snapped. 'Let's go, hurry up.'

Dean pulled away from Cas, leaving him sitting on the kitchen counter. 'Sam, what's going on?' 

'There's no time, it's Dad.'

'Oh, crap - Cas, I-' 

'Go, it's fine.'

'I'll call you.'

With that, they were both gone. 

Cas hopped down from the counter and grabbed his chips. He thought he heard a whisper in his ear, but decided it must have been the chip bag and shrugged. 

Dean didn't call for a few days, and Cas found himself at a loss, and strangely sad. He ate an entire bucket of ice-cream and listened to the radio, but it didn't help.

Cas was surprised when Dean eventually turned up at the door. He hadn't called. 

'Hey,' Dean said. There was something in his voice. Something off. 

'Are you all right?' Cas asked. 

'No. Can I come in?' 

'Of course.' Cas closed the door and heard Dean get himself a glass of water. 

'Dean?' Cas asked softly. 

'My dad. He's gone,' Dean mumbled, his voice catching. 

'Oh, Dean, I'm so sorry,' said Cas, going to Dean and gently guiding him to the couch. 'What happened?' 

'Heart attack,' Dean sniffed. 'I don't know why I'm here.'

'You can stay as long as you like.'

'Thanks.' Dean sniffed again. 'I just - I don't know what I'm gonna do without him.' His voice cracked. 

Cas let him sit quietly for a while, unsure of whether to offer advice, or just his shoulder.

‘I lost my parents,’ Cas murmured, reaching out and touching one of Dean’s cheeks, wiping away the tears he found there. ‘There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better.’

'Yeah. My mom died when I was a kid. I don't remember her much. This is different though.'

Cas gently rubbed Dean's back. 

'What happened to yours?' 

'Car accident,' Cas told him. 'I miss them all the time. I didn't think I'd be able to graduate high school, but they wouldn't let me give up.'

'They sound great.'

'They were.'

Dean fell silent again. 'His - his last message to me was asking if I wanted to go fishing soon.' He barely finished his sentence before dissolving into tears. 

'Come on, let's go lay down,' Cas said, taking Dean's hand. 

Dean followed willingly, and curled up in the bed with Cas, tangling their legs together and crying into Cas’s chest. 

'How - how did you deal with it?' Dean asked, once he was able to speak again. 

'I got wasted,' Cas smiled. 'And then, I don't know. I carried on.'

'That's all you got for me?' 

'I'm afraid so.'

Dean shifted, hesitantly kissing Cas. It felt different to Dean's usual kisses. Soft and vulnerable, grasping for comfort, and nothing at all like his usual, confident way of moving. 

Dean stayed the night and much of the next day. He didn't speak much, but Cas made sure he ate, and played him a couple of his favourite audiobooks.

‘I’d better go,’ Dean mumbled, late in the afternoon. ‘See if Sam’s okay.’

‘All right,’ said Cas. He caught Dean’s hand before he left. ‘I’m here for you, if you need anything.’

‘Thanks. For today.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

Dean left, and Cas called Gabriel.

_ ‘What’s the occasion, oh brother of mine?’ _

Cas sighed. ‘What did you do after mom and dad... ?’

‘ _ Why?’ _

‘It’s just… I realised that I never asked, and now I feel I’ve been quite selfish.’

_ ‘I don’t blame you, little brother,’  _ Gabriel said. ‘ _ If anyone has a right to be selfish, it’s you.’ _

‘I don’t agree with that,’ Cas frowned. ‘You deserved to have someone to talk to, and it should have been me.’

‘ _ Who says I didn’t have anyone to talk to?’ _

‘Did you?’

‘ _ That’s not the point. What is this really about, Cas?’ _

Cas sat heavily on the couch. ‘I worry that our relationship isn’t what it should be. Sam and Dean seem very close.’

_ ‘Ah. Sam and Dean. Listen, I don't think you should worry about this. I love you and you love me. That's all that really matters, right?' _

'Right,' Cas smiled. 

' _ Now, do you mind? I'm kinda in the middle of something.' _

'Oh, sorry.'

' _ Don't be, you know you can always call me. See you later.' _ Gabriel hung up and Cas lay back on the couch, thinking about Dean. 

'Why do you make me question things?' he muttered. 

He didn't hear from Dean again for a while, and Cas found himself getting restless, until one day he came home to the smell of honeysuckle filling his apartment. 

He closed the door carefully, listening hard for any noise in the apartment, and getting his phone ready to call the police. 

'Hello?' he called, but no one answered, so he moved slowly into the kitchen, groping along the counters until his fingers hit glass. He felt up the smooth glass vase, found flowers in it, and smiled. He moved his hands back down onto the counter, where he came across a thick piece of card. To his surprise, he felt something written on it in sloppy Braille. It was difficult to decipher at first, but eventually he figured out what it was supposed to say. 

_ Thank you for your help. Dean.  _

Cas laughed and put the card back down on the counter. He grabbed his phone and called Dean. 

'I'm not sure how I feel about you breaking into my apartment,' he said when Dean answered. 

' _ It's not technically breaking in if you use the spare key,'  _ Dean said playfully.  _ 'Did you get the note?'  _

_ ' _ Yes, did you write it yourself?' 

_ 'How could you tell?'  _ Dean laughed. 

'I'm impressed, Dean it's very good. Better than my first attempt.'

_ 'Yeah, well, I have an advantage.' _

Cas heard Dean take a deep breath. 

' _ Do you want to go out for dinner again?'  _

'Sure. Are we going back to that diner?' 

_ 'Yeah, if you want. Pick you up tonight?'  _

_ ' _ All right. See you tonight.'

' _ Will you?'  _

_ ' _ Hey, I'm the only one that gets to make blind jokes.'

_ 'Sure you are. Make sure you don't wear those turquoise pants I found in your closet.' _

'I can't make any promises.'

_ 'Later.' _

Dean was missing most of his usual bravado when he came to pick Cas up. He stumbled on his words when he spoke, and nervously rubbed Cas’s hand every few minutes. 

'Is everything all right, Dean?' Cas asked, once they'd ordered their food. 

'I don't know,' Dean admitted. 'I've been thinking about a lot of stuff.'

Cas nodded. 'I understand.'

'He would have liked you - my dad, I mean. I'm sure he would.'

'It's a shame I didn't get to meet him.'

'Yeah…' 

Dean didn't speak again until they got their food. 'So, what have your relationships been like?' he asked tentatively. 

'What relationships?' Cas snorted. 

'What, you mean you haven't had any?' 

'I don't know why I should. Everyone wants their Soulmate and so far, I haven't been it.'

'Lots of people do it,' Dean said. 'Soulmates are rare. Are you supposed to spend your life alone just in case? I don't buy that.'

'How do you shake the feeling that you're not enough?' Cas asked sincerely. 

'It's the opposite for me,' Dean told him. 'It's like, they could be out looking for their Soulmate, but they're choosing me instead.'

Cas chewed his mac and cheese slowly. 'I never thought of it that way.'

'And there's always a chance the String will change colour.'

'Has it so far?' 

'No, but it can happen. Sam's did.'

'Gabriel's has too.'

'Yeah, exactly.' Dean stopped again, taking a noisy sip of his lemonade. 'I guess what I'm trying to say is - what I'm trying to ask you-' He cut himself off and sighed. 

'Take your time, Dean,' Cas said, though slightly alarmed at his tone. 

'Look, I don't want to sound like a twelve year old kid asking you to be my boyfriend, but - but will you?' 

Cas froze, fork half way to his mouth. 

'Cas?' 

'I-I-I don't know what to say,' Cas mumbled. 

'A yes would be nice,' Dean laughed nervously. 

'I don't know, Dean,' Cas said doubtfully. 'What if-?' 

'We'll work that out if we get there,' Dean pressed. 'We're good together, aren't we? I haven't been with anyone else since we met, have you?' 

A smile tugged at the corners of Cas’s mouth. 'No, I've been quite satisfied.'

'I am very satisfying,' said Dean. 'I like you, Cas, I really like you, and I want to be with you. It doesn't have to be so serious as you're thinking. If it doesn't work out then we call it quits, no hard feelings, but I think we should give it a chance.'

Despite his misgivings, Cas's heart flipped and warmth spread throughout his body. 

'I - I suppose it couldn't hurt to try it,' Cas mumbled. 

'Really?' Dean said delightedly. He leaned over the table and kissed Cas, laughing slightly. 

Cas’s cheeks warned, and he smiled widely. 'You'll have to teach me what to do, I've never been someone's boyfriend.'

'You're a fast learner, I'm sure you'll pick it up.'

Dean's mood picked up through the rest of their meal, laughing and joking, and holding Cas's leg under the table. 

'Sam's really been bugging me about this, you know,' Dean told Cas as they left the diner. 

'Oh?' 

'Yeah, he's a jerk. But he was right. You never know how much time you got left, so why waste it?' 

'I'm convinced,' Cas laughed. 'Are you staying over tonight?' 

'Actually, I was hoping you'd come over to my place tonight.'

Cas stumbled slightly. 'Um…' He checked his pocket for his cane. 'All right, I'll go with you.'

'Awesome.'

Dean drove them through town, singing happily along to his music. 

Cas knew all the turns back to his own apartment, but got nervous when they started taking unfamiliar turns. He gripped his cane tightly in his pocket, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

Soon, Dean slowed the car to a stop, and Cas got out. He unfolded his cane and waited for Dean to take his free hand and lead him in the right direction. 

'Watch this step,' Dean said, tugging on Cas’s hand. 

Cas’s cane bumped against it and he hesitantly stepped up. 

'Just around this corner here…' Dean's keys jangled as he put them in the door. 

As soon as Dean pulled Cas inside, Cas was greeted with the familiar smell of Dean's aftershave. 

Dean guided him through the apartment and put his hand on a worn leather couch. 

Cas sat himself down, adjusting the cushions around him. 

'You all right?' Dean asked, the couch depressing as he sat down. 

Cas nodded. 

Dean was silent for a moment. 'We can go back to yours if you're uncomfortable.'

Cas took a breath, and held Dean's hand. 'We're together now, so I should get to know your place, right?' 

Dean squeezed Cas's hand. 'Astute as always,' he laughed. 'Where do you want your cane?' 

Cas fidgeted with the strap. 'Do you have somewhere I can hang it?' 

'Sure.' He let Cas take his time getting to it, feeling the walls and counters as he went, eventually finding a hook in the kitchen. There were a couple of aprons hanging on it already, but it suited Cas just fine. 

Cas unsteadily went back to the couch, occasionally reaching out to Dean to nudge him in the right direction, but he made it, and swung his legs up onto Dean's lap. 

'It's nice to have you here,' Dean said softly, stroking Cas’s legs. 

It wasn't long before they both fell asleep where they were. 


	5. Chapter Five

They spent time at Dean's in short bursts, Cas slowly learning the layout of the place. Though mostly they stayed at Cas’s apartment, he had to admit that Dean's attempts at making his apartment more blind friendly were endearing

Cas felt Dean lean over his shoulder one evening, to see what he was cooking.

'How are you doing that?'

'Doing what?'

'How do you cook?'

'What?' Cas laughed, stirring the pot.

'How do you know when it's done if you can't see it?’

Cas didn't answer for a moment. 'I don't know, how do you do it? What does food look like when it's done?'

'I don't really know how to describe it,' said Dean.

'There's your answer.'

Dean laughed and squeezed Cas's shoulders. 'You got me.'

There were small clinks from the left of Cas’s head.

‘So, these have all got Braille on them?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s gotta take a while to do.’

‘I pay Gabriel in Doritos.’

‘Ah.’

Cas served them both a bowl of the mac and cheese he had been cooking and put it down on the counter for Dean to grab. 'Have you been waiting until we were together to ask me your weird blind people questions?'

'What? I wouldn't do that.'

'Right,' Cas snorted. He heard some clacking, then some music. Dean had taken to bringing his laptop around, carefully researching which shows had good audio description. It was new for Cas, having never been all that interested in what was on TV no matter how much Gabriel chattered about it, but Dean’s arm around him certainly made the experience pleasant.

‘Oh, by the way, Sam wants to have dinner with us next week, that okay?’

Cas nodded, ignoring the prickling, uncomfortable feeling gathering at the small of his back. He’d never been close enough to someone that they wanted him to spend time with their family.

‘What if Gabriel messes with your food like he does with your clothes?’ Dean asked in concern, unaware of the sudden discomfort settling over Cas.

‘He wouldn’t. I might accidentally poison myself if he starts to label things wrong. The clothes are just pranks, but the wrong food could actually hurt me.’

‘Right.’

‘Don’t worry, you can trust Gabriel,’ Cas said. A smirk tugged at his lips, but the level of concern in Dean’s voice made him squirm.

Dean slept soundly that night, snoring at Cas’s side, but Cas lay awake. He tried to convince himself that it was fine. He’d met Sam before, this was nothing new. Only it felt like it was solidifying what it was that Cas and Dean had, and he liked it the way it was. Fluid. No attachments. No expectations. No Strings. He could pretend that the Strings didn’t exist, and that he and Dean really were the real thing, but that would all come crashing down the moment it was brought up at dinner, as it always did.

‘You’re thinking about this way too much,’ Gabriel said that Tuesday, when Cas told him about the dinner. ‘It’s not that serious, Cas.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘I don’t know, Dean just doesn’t come across as that serious a guy.’

Cas didn’t say anything, thinking of how Dean was chasing his String when they met.

‘You need to relax,’ Gabriel said firmly. ‘Just go to the dinner and calm down. It’s not a big deal, you already met Sam, just like you said.’

Cas took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders. ‘Perhaps I am thinking about this too much.’

‘Yeah,’ Gabriel said brightly, clapping Cas on the back. ‘He likes you, and Sam probably thinks you’re cool, though I wouldn’t care to guess why. That’s all there is to it.’

Cas slumped on the couch, and started as a cushion hit him in the face. 'What was that for?' Cas said angrily, throwing the cushion in Gabriel's general direction, and only getting laughter in return.

'You do know that landed about fifty feet away from me,' Gabriel sniggered.

'How about you close your eyes and then try and throw something.'

The couch depressed by Cas’s head, and he smelled Gabriel's spicy cologne.

'Why are you getting so worked up?' Gabriel asked, poking Cas’s forehead.

'This was a bad idea,' said Cas, swatting Gabriel's hand away. 'He can't be happy with me. Not in the long term.'

'You don't know that for sure.'

Cas rolled over, bumping his head on Gabriel's leg. 'Is it selfish of me to keep him away from his Soulmate?'

'Cas, he might not ever find his Soulmate anyway. What difference would it make whether you were there, besides actually making him happy?'

Cas sighed. 'Why are you wearing cologne anyway?' he said, deflecting the conversation.

'You think you're the only one hooking up with people?'

'Ew.'

Gabriel patted Cas’s head. 'Just calm down, okay?'

'Fine.'

Gabriel got up again. 'Pizza?'

'Pizza,' Cas agreed.

  
  


Cas’s nerves ramped up over the week, even with Dean's regular calls, but he kept himself steady, and climbed into Dean's car when he came to pick Cas up.

'Hope you like curry,' Dean said happily. 'Sam made it himself.'

Cas just nodded.

'Hey, are you okay?' Dean asked, squeezing Cas’s knee.

'Yes, thank you,' Cas said, smiling, and making sure his glasses were firmly in place. He gripped his cane tightly, and cautiously stepped up to Dean’s apartment.

Dean’s hand hovered protectively at his back, as it always did when Cas was somewhere unfamiliar.

Dean’s keys jangled, scraped in the lock, and Dean pushed Cas inside first.

‘Hey, guys!’ Sam called from further inside the apartment.

Cas made his way through the rich cloud of spices. ‘It smells good, Sam,’ Cas called.

‘Thanks.’

Cas jumped. Sam was closer than he thought.

‘Sorry,’ Sam said sheepishly. ‘Listen, Cas, I wanted you to meet someone.’

Cas’s eyebrows rose, and he stood up straight. ‘All right.’

Someone grabbed him with soft, smooth fingers.

‘This is Eileen,’ Sam said. ‘My fiancée.’

‘Oh.’ Cas shook her hand. ‘Nice to meet you Eileen.’

‘Nice to meet you too.’

Cas smiled, but cocked his head, confused by something in her voice.

‘I’m deaf,’ Eileen explained. ‘But don’t worry, I can read your lips.’

Cas nodded. ‘Right. Do these Winchester boys have some sort of fetish, or something?’

‘Rude,’ Dean said from behind him, lightly slapping his backside.

Eileen laughed, and Cas smiled.

'Dean, come help me with this rice,' Sam called.

Dean brushed past Cas, leaving him with Eileen.

Cas sat with a bump on Dean's couch. It had moved slightly since he'd last sat on it.

'Is it all right if I put my hand on your shoulder?' Eileen asked. 'So you know where to aim?'

Cas nodded and let Eileen guide him so he was facing her.

'You really are as pretty as Dean says,' Eileen said warmly.

Cas’s cheeks burned. 'I wouldn't know.'

'I guess not.' Eileen shifted.

'So you're Sam's fiancée?'

'Yep.'

'And you're his… Soulmate?'

'I am.'

Cas hesitated, then asked, 'What is it like?'

Eileen laughed. 'Everyone always asks us that.'

'Sorry.'

'It's okay. I understand if you're curious. Dean told us you can't see your String.'

Cas sighed. 'I used to think I didn't care about it. Now I'm not so sure.'

Eileen patted his leg gently. 'It's like you finally found the person you can be yourself with,' she told him. 'Like you're the only two people in the whole world, and there's no one you're more comfortable with.'

'That sounds amazing.'

'We're really lucky,' said Eileen. 'If I didn't trip over a dog at the park, Sam would never have come to check on me, and we wouldn’t have met.'

'It's really that much up to chance?'

'Pretty much.'

'Coming in hot,' Dean said, sitting himself on Cas’s other side.

There was a scraping sound on the floor, then Dean put Cas’s hand on the bumpy, plastic surface that Cas recognised as one of Dean's fold out trays.

'You got it?' Dean asked, placing cutlery down with a clink.

'Yes.' Cas pulled the tray closer and breathed in the spicy aroma. It smelled a lot more gingery this close.

Silence fell while everyone enjoyed their meal, or so Cas thought until Dean nudged him.

'Cas, what d'you say?'

'What?'

No one said anything else, and Cas heard some awkward shuffling.

'Oh jeez, sorry, Cas,' said Sam.

'For what?' Cas asked, thoroughly confused.

'I forgot you can't sign.'

Cas chuckled. 'It's okay, Sam.'

'We were just thinking we could go on a trip to the beach, or something,' Dean said.

'Oh. That sounds nice,' Cas said. 'It's been a while since I was at the beach.'

'How come?'

Cas shrugged. 'I need help walking on the sand.'

'That's what you've got me for,' Dean said brightly.

Cas smiled. For a moment, he let the hope inside him take over, as he imagined himself walking along the beach, hand in hand with Dean, the warm sand between his toes and the sound of the waves in his ears. But only for a moment.

Dean gasped softly.

'What is it?' Cas asked.

'Nothing,' Dean said hurriedly, but Cas could tell exactly what was happening by the tone of Dean's voice.

Cas put down his fork.

'It's really nothing,' Dean said, with a hand on Cas’s shoulder.

Cas shrugged him off.

'Cas, come on, it doesn't mean anything.'

'Of course it means something, Dean,' Cas snapped.

'I don't care about it, Cas.'

'You say that now.'

'And I mean it!' Dean's hand found its way to Cas’s leg again. 'It doesn't matter to me. I want to be with you.'

'Has it changed colour?'

'Cas-'

' _Has it?'_

Dean sighed deeply. 'No.'

'We don't get to choose,' Cas said bitterly. He wiped his face and climbed to his feet. 'Please take me home,' he mumbled.

‘All right,’ Dean said quietly.

‘Thank you for the food, Sam,’ Cas said stiffly. ‘It was very tasty.’

Dean led him outside and back to the car, and Cas sat in the passenger seat with his arms crossed. Neither of them said anything until they were back outside Cas’s building. ‘Will you at least let me walk you in?’ Dean said.

Cas nodded, and they went upstairs.

‘Cas,’ said Dean, catching hold of Cas’s hand before he could put the key in the door. ‘Please…’

Cas bit his lip. ‘I don’t think I can do this,’ Cas said, his voice wobbling. ‘What happens if you trip over a dog one day, and your Soulmate catches you? What then?’

‘That might never happen.’

‘But it might.’ Cas pulled his hand away and let himself into his apartment.

Dean followed him in. ‘I don’t care. I _choose you_. I don’t care if he comes up to me with a whole damn parade. I don’t want him. I want you.’

‘How do you know that unless you meet him?’ Cas yanked off his glasses and threw them down on the counter, furiously wiping away the tears falling down his cheeks.

‘You wanna know how I know?’ Dean said, beginning to sound angry himself. ‘This is how I know.’

Before Cas knew what was happening, Dean had grabbed him and kissed him, holding him tightly.

‘This is it,’ said Dean, kissing Cas over and over. ‘I know by how you move, I know by how you look, I know by how your lips feel on mine.’ Dean kissed him again, desperately trying to prove himself. He kissed Cas’s neck, and stripped off his shirt. ‘You’re what I want.’

Cas wavered, his hands finding their way to Dean’s hair. His heart raced, and Dean pressed an ear to his chest.

‘I only ever want to hear this heart,’ Dean mumbled, grazing his lips along Cas’s collarbone, and pausing at his shoulder. ‘I know this wasn’t supposed to be serious, and I’m sorry, but I- I-’

‘You can’t,’ Cas breathed, trembling from Dean’s frenzied kissing. ‘It’s not True if it’s not your Soulmate.’

‘Does it have to be True?’ Dean whispered in his ear, holding him tightly at the waist with one hand, and fiddling with Cas’s belt with the other. ‘Can’t it be enough that I love you now? That I want to be with you now?’ Dean paused, waiting with bated breath.

Cas’s skin was on fire. ‘I don’t want to be how you spend your meantime until you meet him,’ he said, tears flowing freely, but clutching Dean’s shirt.

‘You’re not. You could never be.’

‘But what if you do meet him?’

‘I tell him to get lost, and that I have someone already.’

Cas shook his head, but no matter how he resisted, he couldn’t keep Dean from tearing down his defenses. He kissed Dean fiercely, pushing him backwards a step, but abruptly stopped as his scalp prickled, and a whisper brushed past his ear. ‘Is there someone here?’ he said, turning around.

‘Just us,’ Dean said breathlessly, running his hands over every bit of Cas he could reach.

‘Thought I heard something.’ Cas shook his head. He was too weak. Too selfish. It felt as though his heart was ripping into pieces, but Dean’s presence, Dean’s _insistence_ that he wanted nothing else was almost enough to soothe it. Almost. He kissed Dean again, and Dean melted into his arms. Cas allowed himself time for a few more precious kisses, a few more moments to feel Dean’s stubble beneath his fingertips, to commit the smell of Dean’s aftershave to memory, before he let go and stepped away.

‘I can’t,’ he whispered.

‘Cas, don’t.’

Cas bit his lip, sniffing. ‘You said-’ He cut himself off and cleared his throat. ‘You said that if it wasn’t working, then we could…’

‘But it _is_ working.’ Dean’s voice wavered.

‘No hard feelings, right?’ Cas said, stepping further away, picking his shirt up off the ground, and groping along the counter for his glasses.

‘Please…’

‘You should go.’ Cas pulled his shirt over his head.

Dean was silent, then Cas heard his shoes scuff on the ground, and the door opening and closing.

The quiet rang in Cas’s ears, and he sunk to the floor, hugging himself. It felt bad now, he thought, but now Dean was free. ‘It would have been selfish of me,’ he muttered to himself. He lay on the cool tiles for a while, then pulled out his phone to call Gabriel.

‘ _What’s up?’_ Gabriel asked. ‘ _Are you okay?’_

‘I broke up with Dean,’ Cas told him. ‘I don’t want to talk about it. Can you come over?’

‘ _Yeah, sure I can little bro. I’ll bring snacks and some podcasts.’_

‘Thanks.’

Cas tried to tidy himself up, but he was still sniffling and scrunching up a tissue when Gabriel arrived. Cas thought he could keep himself together, but as soon as Gabriel opened the door, he burst into a fresh bout of tears.

Gabriel wrapped his arms around his little brother. He let Cas sob into his shoulder for a while. ‘You know your shirt’s on backwards, right?’ he said fondly.

‘That sounds about right,’ Cas mumbled.

‘Come on.’ Gabriel sat him down on the couch while he set up the food and his laptop. He brought Cas a glass of water and stayed up late into the night, until Cas fell asleep curled into a ball on the couch.

Gabriel draped a blanket over him, took off his shoes and glasses, and crept off to bed.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to QueenofHearts, asfaloth12, Summer, liesje_86 and Danira1985 for the comments!
> 
> Sorry for the long wait there, but I got really stuck on this one for a while. Hopefully the next one won't take as long.
> 
> I'm also working on something new, actually set in universe, how crazy is that! So keep an eye out, and you'll all be seeing that soon too.
> 
> Stay safe and see you all again next time!


	6. Chapter Six

Cas woke with a headache the next morning. His lips were chapped, tears still crusted his cheeks, and his eyes were gritty and dry. He sniffed and stretched out his curled up limbs, disentangling himself from the blanket. He dragged himself to the bathroom to wash, and Gabriel was up by the time he was done.

‘Thought we could hang out today,’ Gabriel said cheerfully, clattering around the kitchen.

‘You have work.’

‘It’s my day off.’

‘Is it?

Gabriel didn’t answer, and Cas sat on a stool at the kitchen counter.

‘We could listen to that radio show you like, or I found a true crime podcast that’s pretty cool.’

Cas shrugged, resting his head in his palm. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked eventually.

‘Breakfast, duh. Pancakes.’

‘Blueberry?’

‘Obviously.’

Cas listened to the sizzling, and to Gabriel whistling cheerfully as he cooked. 

‘You want ice-cream with yours?’

‘You can’t have ice-cream for breakfast, Gabriel.’

‘Says who?’

Cas sighed, running his hands over the counter while he waited. 

Gabriel gave him a plate, and Cas found that he’d scooped ice-cream onto it anyway.

Cas stabbed at them, only eating a few small bites.

‘Hey, come on, you love my pancakes,’ Gabriel said reproachfully.

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘All right, we’ll save them for later, I guess. Come on, let’s check out that podcast.’ Gabriel sat them both down on the couch, and Cas waited for him to attach some speakers to his laptop. To improve the sound quality, he always said, but it made no difference to Cas. He wasn’t paying attention anyway. All he could think of was how cold he’d been the night before, without Dean beside him to keep him warm, and the absence of Dean’s hands protectively holding him, letting Cas know he was there without saying a word. Before he knew it, he was crying again, and Gabriel pulled him in for a hug.

‘I’m so stupid, Gabriel,’ said Cas. ‘Why did I let this happen?’

Gabriel didn’t speak for a moment. ‘Seems like he was really something special, huh?’ 

Cas shook his head. ‘That’s just it. I wanted him to be, but he isn’t, and I hurt us both letting myself believe he might be.’

‘It’s not stupid to want that, Cas,’ Gabriel said gently. ‘Everyone does.’

‘But I can’t have it,’ Cas said bitterly. ‘It’s already hard enough without being blind.’ Cas let his head fall against the back of the couch. ‘I thought I was over this,’ he muttered. ‘I don’t care about my String.’

‘We both know that’s not true. You were always a romantic.’

Cas shoved him. ‘Shut up.’

Gabriel paused the podcast. 

‘I wanted it to be him, and he wanted it to be me, but we don’t get to choose.’ Cas ruffled his hair. ‘I was being selfish.’

‘Is that so bad?’ Gabriel asked. ‘Personally, I think you should be more selfish.’

‘You would think that.’

‘How rude!’ Gabriel gasped, pushing Cas off the couch.

Cas finally laughed, lying on the floor. ‘Why did I do this to myself, Gabriel?’

‘Because he was sweet on you, and he said your eyes were like the ocean-’

‘That is not what he said.’

‘-and let’s face it, he’s really hot.’

_ ‘Gabriel!’ _

‘I mean, I know you can’t see him, but that man is really something.’

Cas groaned loudly.

‘And you love him.’

Cas shook his head. ‘It’s not True if it’s not your Soulmate. Everyone knows that.’

‘True enough though, isn’t it?’

‘Enough to let him go, yes.’

Gabriel nudged him with his toe. ‘You’re being ridiculous, you know. Now get back up here so we can finish this podcast.’

Cas climbed back up onto the couch, but still couldn’t focus on the podcast. Eventually he poked Gabriel and said in a small voice, ‘Would you read to me?’

‘Sure I will, little brother,’ Gabriel said fondly.

Cas dozed off while Gabriel read to him, and felt better after a nap.

‘I gotta go,’ Gabriel said eventually. ‘You want me to leave you the podcast?’

‘No, it’s all right. Thank you for today.’

‘No sweat.’ There was a rustling as Gabriel put on his jacket. ‘Why don’t you get a dog, or something? I don’t like you hanging out here all by yourself.’

‘We’ve been over this, a dog is a big responsibility, and I can’t afford a guide dog.’

‘Whatever. Call me tomorrow?’

‘Sure.’

The apartment was too quiet once Gabriel was gone, so Cas switched on the radio, and took it with him to the bedroom. He didn’t sleep for a long time, switching between stations as he wandered around. Eventually, he decided to change into his pajamas, but he tripped on something and fell into the wardrobe door. He hissed through his teeth, and ran his hands over the floor until he found what he’d fallen on. It was Dean’s duffel, still containing some of his clothes and his overnight bag. He sighed deeply, sitting on the edge of the bed with the strap in his hands. He reached inside and pulled out one of Dean’s shirts. It still smelled of Dean. He balled it up and buried his face in it, eventually falling asleep with it in his arms.

Cas carefully put the shirt back in Dean’s bag the next morning, and shoved the bag under his bed, where he wouldn’t trip over it. He pulled out his phone to call Dean, but couldn’t quite make himself do it, so he decided to go for a walk instead. 

Cas eventually made his way to his favourite cafe, which smelled of coffee and warm pastries.

‘Good morning,’ one of the staff said to him brightly. He didn’t recognise her voice.

Cas forced his mouth into a smile. 

‘What can I help you with?’ she asked politely.

‘I would like a black coffee, and do you have any cookies?’

‘We do. I can get you the chocolate chip, or we have some that have cherries in as well.’

‘Just the chocolate, thank you.’

‘Coming right up. Do you need any help finding a seat?’

‘Yes please.’ Cas was led by the arm to an empty table. 

‘I’ll bring your order right over.’

‘Thank you.’ Once he was alone, Cas sighed deeply. There was chatter all around him, and despite the efforts of the server, he felt small and alone at his table, nibbling on the cookie. He could hardly smell the bitter coffee in the mug next to him, and the cookie was all but tasteless. He finished the coffee, but left half of the cookie and a tip on the table, and wandered out of the cafe, feeling empty. Maybe a dog wasn’t such a terrible idea after all.

Cas switched off his phone, not willing to think about it anymore, and yanked a tub of ice-cream from the freezer, lying down on the couch with it. It didn’t taste of much either, but he found he didn’t really care, and kept eating spoonfuls until there was a knock on the door and he nearly dropped the whole tub. He grumbled to himself and put the tub down on the kitchen counter, grabbing his glasses and hurrying to the front door. 

‘Hey, Cas.’

Cas inhaled sharply. ‘Hello, Sam.’

‘Sorry, I tried to call, but your phone wasn’t ringing. I just came to get Dean’s stuff.’

‘Oh. Right. Come in.’

Sam brushed past him, then Cas felt a hand on his arm.

‘It’s me,’ said Eileen. 

Cas did his best to face her, and she laughed.

‘Don’t worry, I can see you.’

They sat together on the couch, while Sam sorted through Cas’s bedroom, clearing Dean’s things out.

‘How - how is Dean?’ Cas asked Eileen.

Eileen squeezed his arm. ‘He’s been better,’ she said. 

‘Hey, Cas, do you know if Dean left a leather jacket here?’ Sam called. 

‘I don’t know,’ Cas replied. 

Eileen rubbed his arm again. ‘Why did you do it, Cas?’ she asked. 'We thought it was going well.' 

'He shouldn't be stuck with me,' Cas said, frowning. 'He still could meet his Soulmate.' 

'But he wants to be with you.' 

'Exactly. I don't want him to be put in the position. I don't want him to have to choose.' 

'But that's not how it works,' Eileen said slowly. 'He could just walk past his Soulmate and never even know, whether you were there or not.' 

'What do you mean?' 

Eileen moved her hand from his arm to his leg. 'It's a common misconception, really,' she explained. 'You don't know as soon as you see them. You have to put the work in.' 

'There're no guarantees,' Sam said from behind Cas, making him jump. 'You gotta be open to the idea, and you both have to, I dunno, accept how you feel, I guess. It's not a for sure thing.' 

Eileen patted Cas’s knee and he could hear the smile in her voice. 'It's more like a leap of faith.'

Cas nodded, and his chin wobbled. 

'Jeez, I'm sorry, Cas, we didn't mean to upset you. We'll go. Thanks for Dean's stuff,' Sam said, voice heavy with sympathy and regret. 

There was a shuffling, then the door opening and closing again. 

As soon as they were gone, Cas's chest ached, and he pressed a hand to it. 'Stop that,' he muttered to himself. 'I'm not dying, it's just a breakup. I've broken up with people before.' But it didn't feel like any breakup he'd been through before. Dean had told Cas he loved him, and that made it so much worse. He thought about what Eileen had said. A leap of faith. Could he take the chance that he was wrong? He shivered. Not if it concerned Dean's happiness.  _ I'm sorry, Dean,  _ he thought, pulling out his phone, switching it back on and waiting for it to finish vibrating, to remind him of his missed messages. 'Delete contact Dean Winchester.' 

_ ‘Contact deleted.’ _

Cas placed his phone down on the coffee table and held his head in his hands. His throat felt raw and swollen, and he just lay on the couch, trying not to think of Dean. He could still feel the comforting weight of Dean on his chest, the softness of his lips, and the slight scent of cinnamon that followed Dean around. Cas groaned and threw off his glasses. He rubbed his neck. It was definitely swollen. He grabbed the ice-cream back from the counter. It was mostly melted now, but he ate it anyway, to soothe his throat. 

Before he knew it, Cas was being shaken awake by Gabriel. ‘What are you doing?’ he croaked, weakly pushing Gabriel away.

‘Cas, how long have you been lying there?’ Gabriel asked, alarmed.

‘I don’t know, a few hours?’ Cas rolled over and groaned, his whole body aching. 

‘You were supposed to call me yesterday!’

‘Yesterday? What?’ He tried to sit up, but Gabriel wouldn’t let him.

‘Just don’t move, all right?’

‘What’s going on?’ Cas asked. He rolled over and a wave of heat hit him. ‘Gabriel, I feel awful,’ he complained.

‘Yeah, I bet you do. Stay there, I’m calling the doctor.’

‘What for? It’s just the flu, or something?’ Cas massaged his neck, and began shivering uncontrollably. ‘Did you turn on the air conditioning?’

‘No.’

‘Can you get me a blanket?’

‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea.’

‘Ugh, I’ll get it myself.’ Cas stood, but his head spun, and he grabbed the couch to steady himself.

Gabriel grabbed him by the shoulders and sat him back down on the couch. ‘You’re burning up,’ Gabriel said, pressing the back of his hand to Cas’s forehead. ‘I’ll get you some water.’

Cas slumped over, all the energy draining from his body.

‘I’ll call the doctor,’ Gabriel said again, after helping Cas take a sip of water.

Cas ignored him, shivering violently. ‘It’s cold, Gabriel,’ he mumbled, sliding off the couch and onto the floor. 

‘Uh - he’s really hot,’ Gabriel was saying down the phone. ‘No, I don’t know the exact temperature…’ He was rummaging around in the kitchen. ‘Where’s your thermometer?’ he called to Cas.

‘I don’t have one.’

‘What? Why not?’

Cas waved a hand in front of his face. 

‘Yeah, no, he doesn’t have a thermometer… Yeah, that’s great, thanks.’ He came back over to Cas. ‘Okay, take your clothes off.’

Cas groaned. ‘What for?’

‘I gotta check you for a rash, come on.’

‘I’m not that sick -  _ get off me.’  _ He pushed Gabriel away again, but his hand thumped to the floor, and he dipped out of consciousness for a moment. When he came round again he’d stopped shivering, and voices swirled around his head, slightly muffled. ‘Water,’ he said hoarsely.

‘Got it.’ Gabriel helped him again. ‘Don’t worry, you’re gonna be fine.’

‘How are you feeling now, Castiel?’ A deep voice from above him asked.

‘Awful.’

There was a clicking, then a, ‘Hm. There’s a bit of a delayed response there; Castiel, are you having any trouble seeing?’

Cas groaned. ‘Gabriel…’

‘Sorry, doctor, he’s blind.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘So you didn’t tell him anything about me?’

‘I told him some things. Just not-’

‘That I’m blind? Very good, Gabriel.’ Cas spluttered as a thermometer was stuck in his mouth.

‘A bit of a fever. Not too high.’

‘So, what’s wrong with him?’ Gabriel asked.

‘Not quite a flu, just looks like a simple case of Soul sickness. Quite common in those that spend a lot of time alone, or if there’s been sudden activity with the Heart String. It’ll pass in a few days, and in the meantime, lots of fluids and lots of rest.’

Gabriel sighed deeply. ‘Great. Thank you, doctor.’

‘No trouble. Goodnight.’

As soon as he was gone, Cas rolled onto his side. ‘ _ Gabriel,’  _ he complained.

‘What? You’re sick, you passed out for like twenty-four hours, you’re lucky I didn’t go straight for the ambulance.’

‘I want to go to bed.’

‘Sure.’ 

Gabriel very carefully helped Cas up and supported his weight all the way to bed. 

‘Soul sickness, huh?’ Gabriel snorted, tucking him in.

‘Shut up.’

‘Has there been any, you know, sudden activity?’

‘How would I know?’

Gabriel laughed, though more from relief than anything else. ‘You scared me, kid.’

‘Sorry.’

Gabriel made him drink another glass of water. 

‘Maybe a dog wouldn’t be such a bad idea,’ Cas mumbled.

‘I’ll look into it for you,’ Gabriel chuckled, gently dabbing Cas’s face with a damp cloth.

Cas relaxed against his pillow, wondering if Dean was having the same problem, his last thought before falling asleep was that of how Dean’s stubble chafed his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to JazivO2Cacho, Summer, VegasGranny and QueenofHearts for the comments!   
> See you again next time!


	7. Chapter Seven

Cas lay in bed for days, resting and pretending to not be crying when Gabriel came to check on him. When he wasn’t crying, he was falling in and out of consciousness, but on the third day, his fever finally broke, and he felt strong enough to take a shower, much to Gabriel’s relief.

Even when Cas felt better, Gabriel still insisted on visiting him more often than usual in the following weeks.

‘Back again?’ Cas said, when Gabriel walked in on him making himself some noodles. ‘People will start to think we’re friends.’

Gabriel slung an arm around Cas’s shoulders. ‘I hope there’s enough in there for me.’

‘Help yourself.’ Cas dumped some on his own plate and left Gabriel to it. He was still struggling to push Dean from his mind, and absently twirled his noodles on his fork.

'Hey, don't play with your food,' Gabriel chastised.

Cas sighed, not for the first time, and only had a few bites of his food before putting back on the kitchen counter.

'You've hardly eaten anything,' Gabriel protested, concern tinging his words.

'Maybe I'm still a little sick,' Cas shrugged.

'Maybe you need to pull yourself together and get over Dean already. You dumped him, remember?'

Cas flinched. ‘That was harsh.’

‘Time for a little tough love, I think.’

‘It’s not that big a deal, Gabriel.’

Gabriel drummed his fingers against the couch. ‘I hate to break it to you, but it is a big deal. I’m worried about you, you look terrible.’

Cas put a hand to his own face and realised his cheekbone was sharper than he realised. He must have lost weight. ‘What do you suggest then?’ he asked.

‘Go on some dates.’

‘Ugh.’

‘No, I’m serious. Forget about him, go get some elsewhere.’

‘You’re disgusting.’

‘Come on, Cas, at least it might take your mind off him. I know a guy who might be interested.’

Cas covered his face in embarrassment. ‘I can get my own dates,’ he said indignantly.

‘Yeah, but this way’s better. Get back into the game a little easier, you know?’

‘And this is someone you know that _you_ didn’t want to go out with?’

Gabriel hesitated. ‘We never really had a connection, but he likes you.’

Cas frowned. ‘He hasn’t met me.’

‘I may have shown him a photo or two-’

‘ _Gabriel!’_

‘I got a little carried away, but the point is that he’s interested.’

Cas leaned against the counter. ‘All right,’ he said grudgingly. ‘What’s he like?’

‘ _Yes!’_ Gabriel said triumphantly. ‘Okay, his name’s Balthazar-’

‘Balthazar?’ Cas said sceptically.

‘He thinks it makes him sound mysterious-’

‘Or stupid.’

‘Oh, like you can talk, _Castiel.’_

Cas tutted. ‘What else?’ he said eventually.

Gabriel continued, in an excited voice. ‘So he’s an antiques dealer, apparently he’s pretty good at it, but I wouldn’t know-’

Cas groaned loudly. ‘An _antiques dealer?_ Seriously? How did you even meet an antiques dealer?’

‘I might have been trying to buy this really old French horn - anyway, that’s not important. Just go out with him, Cas, you’ll get it when you meet him.’

Cas walked over to the couch and threw himself down, intentionally sitting on Gabriel as he went. Gabriel shoved him, but laughed.

‘So what do you think?’

Cas gave a long sigh. ‘Fine, I’ll go out with him, but you should get him to meet me somewhere, I don’t want him to pick me up here.’

‘What, otherwise he’ll see how boring your life is?’ Gabriel teased.

‘And I swear, if I end up wearing something ridiculous because of you-’

‘I’ll make sure all your clothes are labelled right.’

‘You’d better.’

‘This is so great, you’ll really like him.’

‘Please try not to give yourself an aneurysm,’ Cas said, beginning to get annoyed by Gabriel’s enthusiasm.

‘All right, all right. I’ll call him tomorrow, and we’ll set something.’

‘Great.’

  
  


Gabriel eventually landed on a nice bar downtown, and agreed on it with both Cas and Balthazar, and helped Cas pick something to wear.

Even as he felt the labels in his clothes, Cas couldn’t help but remember Dean helping him find the mislabelled items, and his hand moved over to the side of the wardrobe that Dean had sectioned off for him. The pink sweater and yellow pants were still hanging there. A hard lump formed in his throat as he remembered how Dean’s hands softly moved his, helping Cas feel what he’d done. Cas swallowed hard and shook his head. He was moving on, he told himself. Dean was likely doing the same, but his chest tightened at the thought, so he put it out of his mind completely, and refused to think about Dean. Instead, he thought about Balthazar, and what kind of man could possibly make Gabriel recommend him personally, especially since Gabriel tended not to think of him dating anyone at all.

Cas frowned to himself as he pulled a book down to read. Clearly the man must be sure of himself, not only to be a successful antiques dealer, but telling someone he thought their brother attractive took some confidence.

Cas put the book away. He couldn’t seem to focus on it, so he went for a walk instead, but everything seemed dull. He could hardly hear any birdsong, and he knew that it was the right time of year for flowers, but he couldn’t smell anything at all. It was a disappointing walk, so he went home and walked restlessly around, switching between channels on the radio.

Gabriel came over a few hours before the date. ‘Shirt’s on backwards,’ he said critically. ‘Glasses are crooked.’

Cas hastily fixed it, then put a hand to his hair. ‘Should I do something with this?’

‘Nah, he’ll like it messy.’

Cas’s cheeks warmed. ‘Seems like you’re a lot more into this than I am.’

‘I just mean that you have nice hair and you don’t need to comb it flat, okay?’

‘Thanks, I guess.’

‘All right, cab’s here, let’s go.’

Gabriel patted Cas on the shoulder just before putting him in the car. ‘You got this.’

‘I know,’ Cas said irritably. ‘You better not be here when I get back.’

‘Fine, but tell me everything tomorrow.’

‘I imagine since you’re such good friends with him, he’ll tell you first,’ Cas snapped.

‘Just get in the car, you’re gonna be late.’ Gabriel put his hand on the roof of the car, so he could get in himself. ‘You sure you don’t want me to come? Just to get you inside.’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Cas, closing the door with a little more force than he meant to.

Gabriel gave the address to the driver. ‘And just kinda shove him in the direction of the front door, he’ll be fine.’

The driver chuckled and pulled away.

Cas didn’t speak to the driver but to pay and thank him when they arrived, and Cas drew out his cane. He’d been to this particular bar before, and as soon as he found his way to the front door, he was able to get to the bar without incident.

‘Are you all right?’ the bartender asked him.

‘Yes, I’m here to meet-’

‘Balthazar?’ a smooth, British voice said from behind him. ‘You must be Castiel.’

‘Yes.’

‘Just thrilling to meet you.’

Cas smelled a spicy cologne, and started as Balthazar kissed him lightly, once on each cheek.

‘I’ve got us a nice comfy booth, come on.’

Balthazar slid Cas’s arm through his and led him through the bar. His arm was slim, and whatever he was wearing was soft.

‘Here we are,’ Balthazar said, sitting Cas down. ‘Now, what can I get you to drink?’

‘Gin would be nice,’ Cas said. ‘With lemon.’

‘Coming right up.’

He left and Cas took a deep breath. It was far too late to back out now, so he decided he would at least try to enjoy himself.

‘So… you’re an antiques dealer?’ Cas asked when Balthazar returned.

‘Yes, it’s a delightful profession,’ Balthazar said. ‘I often find a certain elegance and craftsmanship in antique adult toys-’

Cas spat out his drink. ‘ _Oh.’_

‘Did - er - did Gabriel not tell you that? I would have thought he would, seeing as he was so invested in this.’

Cas coughed slightly and wiped his face. ‘No, he did not happen to mention that - _particular_ aspect of your work.’

‘Ah, well that makes this slightly more awkward.’

Cas took another sip of his drink. ‘So… that French horn he bought?’

‘Oh, decidedly not a French horn.’

They both broke into a fit of laughter.

‘Do I even want to know what it was?’ Cas asked.

‘Absolutely not,’ Balthazar laughed.

‘And on that note-’ Cas swallowed the rest of his drink, and Balthazar laughed again.

‘Another?’ he asked.

‘Please.’

Cas ran a hand through his hair, not entirely happy with the newest piece of information he had received about Gabriel. He had to stop himself from downing the entire glass again when Balthazar came back.

‘So, tell me a little more about yourself, Cas,’ Balthazar said, and Cas just shrugged.

‘There’s not much to tell. I don’t really go anywhere, I don’t do much besides listen to the radio and read. I don’t know exactly what Gabriel told you about me, and I don’t really want to know, but I’m really not all that interesting.’

‘On the contrary, Castiel, I find you extremely interesting.’ His voice deepened just a fraction, and Cas heard a rustle as he moved a little closer.

‘You don’t even know me,’ Cas responded, allowing a slight husk to creep into his own voice.

‘I don’t need to, I can tell by the way you move how interesting you are.’

Cas snorted. He couldn’t help it. Here was Balthazar obviously trying to flirt with him, but he couldn’t help but think of all the times he tripped, or stubbed his toe on something just that day.

‘Something funny?’ Balthazar asked, slightly offended.

‘I’m sorry, I only laugh at myself,’ Cas explained. ‘I tend to lose my balance a lot. It’s the blind thing.’

‘Ah.’ Balthazar shuffled closer again, until his shoulder brushed against Cas’s.

Cas ran out of things to say, so took another sip of his drink, and Balthazar mistook this for nervousness.

‘I understand it’s been a while for you,’ Balthazar said. ‘Gabriel told me you don’t tend to date.’

Cas shook his head. ‘I don’t usually, and I just ended a relationship recently-’

‘Wait, you were with someone?’

Cas frowned. ‘Gabriel didn’t tell you?’

‘No, he told me you haven’t been with anyone at all.’

‘Ugh, he’s the worst.’

‘Gosh, I’ve been going about this all wrong,’ Balthazar said, shifting in his seat. ‘If you’re trying to get over someone, then I can absolutely help you with that.’ Balthazar softly stroked Cas’s hand.

Cas swallowed. Balthazar’s fingers were dry against his own, but they swirled delicately over the back of his hand.

‘Perhaps you’d be more comfortable at your place,’ Balthazar murmured in his ear.

Cas’s lips had gone dry, and his heart was beating fast. He shivered as a finger traced over his wrist. ‘Perhaps I would,’ he whispered.

‘Finish your drink, and I’ll call a taxi.’

Balthazar got up, and Cas slammed the rest of his drink, then groped for his cane before leaving the bar as well.

The air was cooler outside, but it only served to make Cas feel the effects of the alcohol. Balthazar draped a lazy arm around him, to keep him steady more than anything, then climbed into the back of the cab with him. They didn’t say anything on the drive back to Cas’s, but Balthazar’s hand travelled dangerously far up Cas’s thigh.

He let Cas lead the way into the building, and unlock his front front door, then made his move.

Cas had barely had a chance to hang up his cane and keys before Balthazar was pulling him in for a kiss. He realised that he was slightly taller than Balthazar, and he could taste strong whiskey on Balthazar’s tongue. Slim, firm arms encircled him, and immediately his mind went to how Dean’s arms felt around him. Strong, but gentle and safe. Instead of relaxing him, the limbs around him made him more and more uncomfortable, until Balthazar reached up for his glasses.

‘Let’s have a look at those baby blues,’ Balthazar murmured.

Cas finally snapped out of it and pushed himself away, clutching his glasses tightly to his face. ‘I can’t,’ he said breathlessly. ‘I can’t do it, I’m sorry.’

‘That’s all right, you don’t have to take your glasses off.’ Balthazar touched Cas again, but Cas backed away even further.

‘Please,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, just don’t.’

‘Are you all right?’ Balthazar asked, removing his hands.

Cas nodded. ‘Yes, I just…’

‘You’re not ready yet,’ Balthazar said simply.

Cas sighed. ‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated.

‘It’s quite all right, I didn’t mean to pressure you.’ Balthazar poured Cas a glass of water and placed it on the kitchen counter next to him. ‘He must have been something quite special.’

‘He wasn’t,’ Cas said miserably.

Balthazar was silent for a moment. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then,’ he said softly. ‘It was nice to meet you, Castiel.’ He kissed Cas on both cheeks again, and as he left said, ‘Call me when you’re ready, I’d be delighted to be of assistance.’

Cas smiled, and listened as Balthazar’s footsteps faded down the hallway, then groaned loudly. ‘Text Gabriel,’ he said into his phone. ‘I’m home.’

“ _Sent message”_

Cas gulped down his glass of water and waited for Gabriel’s response. It didn’t take long,

‘ _You’re home already? What happened?’_

‘I brought him back.’

‘ _Gross.’_

‘If you want to talk about gross, how about we talk about what you really bought from him?’

Gabriel didn’t say anything.

‘I couldn’t do it anyway, he’s gone,’ Cas said sadly. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about Dean. What’s wrong with me?’ He was suddenly quite tearful, his chest hurt, and as he sniffed, he thought he heard a whisper, but when he rubbed his ear, the only sound was Gabriel.

‘ _Are you crying? It’s not that big of a deal, I’m sure Balthazar was a champ about it.’_

‘I - I don’t know,’ Cas stammered. ‘I don’t think this is me, I think…’ He pressed a hand to his chest. He couldn’t feel his Heart String, but for the first time in his life, he was certain it was there. ‘My Soulmate is sad,’ he murmured reverently. ‘Really sad.’

‘ _Maybe it’s Balthazar, you did just reject him.’_

‘He didn’t seem that upset by it… No, it’s not Balthazar,’ he said, with an odd certainty.

‘ _If you say so. You want me to stop by tomorrow? I can bring chicken.’_

‘Chicken it is,’ Cas said. His eyes were still watering, and he could feel a sob building in his throat. ‘I have to go,’ he said, his voice coming out barely more than a whisper.

‘ _All right, see you tomorrow, kid.’_

Cas got ready for bed and crawled under the covers, his chest still aching. ‘What’s wrong?’ he whispered, curling into a ball. ‘Why are you so sad?’ He fell asleep with his arms wrapped around himself, hoping that his Soulmate could feel his love and comfort through the String.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to Summer and VegasGranny for the comments!  
> Check out the first two chapter of Feel the Thunder if you fancy something in universe, and don't forget to follow me on Twitter for updates! See you again soon :)


	8. Chapter Eight

Cas could still feel the effects of his Heart String the next morning, sadness spreading from his chest. He dragged himself out of bed and slowly munched a bowl of cereal. Although he must have felt it before, it had never been intense enough for him to notice. He was just washing up his bowl when Gabriel came in, bags of groceries rustling in his hands.

Cas frowned, the faint smell of honeysuckle reaching his nose.

‘Hey, did you order some flowers?’ Gabriel asked, dumping the bags on the counter.

‘No, why?’

‘Huh. I found these on the floor outside.’ Gabriel placed a small bunch of wilted flowers in his arms.

‘Are you sure they’re for me?’ Cas asked, sniffing them.

‘They’ve got your name on.’ Gabriel put a thick card in his hand, and to his surprise, he felt raised bumps on it.

‘It definitely says “Cas”.’

‘Got any idea who they’re from? Balthazar?’ said Gabriel.

‘I don’t think so. He would have had to leave, buy flowers, come back, and then just dump them on the ground outside.’

‘Yeah, that doesn’t sound like him. Oh well, free flowers!’

Cas filled a vase for the flowers, even if they were a little floppy now, while Gabriel emptied the bags.

‘I can’t believe you bailed on Balthazar,’ Gabriel laughed, beginning his meticulous labelling of the food.

Cas sighed. ‘It felt weird,’ he said. ‘I’m sure he’s a great person, but he’s not for me.’

‘Seems like you’re missing out to me. He looks like he’d be pretty bendy.’

‘Oh my God, Gabriel. You should go out with him if you think he’s that great.’

‘Pfft, no way,’ Gabriel stammered.

Cas tilted his head. ‘Gabriel… are you projecting your feelings onto me?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Yes you do, you have a crush on Balthazar, don’t you?’

‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘I have to admit, getting him a date with your brother is an odd way of dealing with it-’

‘I don’t like him that way.’

‘Sure.’

Gabriel dropped something on the floor, and Cas grabbed his phone, activating the voice commands.

‘Call Balthazar.’

‘What- _Cas!’_

Cas walked away, feeling a swipe at his sleeve.

‘ _This is Balthazar.’_

‘Hello, it’s Castiel.’

‘ _Oh, Castiel! Lovely to hear from you. Gabriel is with you, I take it.’_

‘Yes, he is right here.’ Cas felt Gabriel’s hand on his arm, trying to tug the phone away from his ear, but he slapped it away. ‘Listen, I just wanted to apologise for last night. I think we’ve somehow all got our wires crossed.’

‘ _Cas, don’t!’_ Gabriel hissed.

‘ _Do tell,’_ Balthazar said down the phone.

‘You see, Gabriel asked you out for me, but really I think he meant to ask you out himself.’

Gabriel groaned and there was a slapping sound. ‘I’m going to kill you.’

‘ _I did get that impression,’_ said Balthazar, amusement clear in his voice.

‘You did, great!’

‘ _Would Gabriel perhaps be free this Saturday?’_

‘Yes he would.’ Cas leaned against the back of the couch.

‘ _Perfect. And you’re all right with this?’_

‘As long as you are.’

‘ _And Gabriel?’_

‘Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.’

Balthazar chuckled. ‘ _All right then, I suppose that’s settled. For the record, I find you and your brother very strange.’_

‘We get that a lot. He’ll see you Saturday.’ Cas waited for the call to end, and passed the phone back to Gabriel.

‘What did you do?’ Gabriel groaned.

‘You’re going out with him on Saturday,’ Cas said smugly.

‘But - but he knows about my - my _French horn,’_ Gabriel protested.

‘And I’m sure he’s a fan of it. He seems the type to enjoy a French horn.’

‘What did I do to deserve such a horrible brother.’

Cas laughed and finally sat down on the couch. ‘You were just awful in your previous life, I bet. I’m ordering pizza for dinner.’

‘You suck so much. You’re just-’ Gabriel struggled to find the words. ‘You’re a _huge_ bag of dicks.’

‘Is that the best you could come up with?’ Cas laughed. ‘How bad can I be if I got you a date, anyway?’

Gabriel didn’t answer, then muttered, ‘It better be a good pizza.’

‘Absolutely.’ Cas smiled widely. It felt good to help someone else for a change. He wandered into the kitchen and called the pizza place, catching the scent of honeysuckle again.

They were settled on the couch listening to the radio and eating their pizza, when Gabriel suddenly leapt from his seat, knocking the slice Cas was eating out of his hand.

‘Yes!’ Gabriel yelled.

‘Gabriel, what-?’

‘You got it!’

‘What did I get? Where did my pizza go?’ Cas groped around on the floor for the slice, hoping it hadn’t ruined the carpet.

‘Forget the pizza!’ Gabriel said excitedly. ‘I got you a place on a training course. You’re getting a guide dog!’

‘Oh!’ Cas gasped. ‘I - wow.’ Cas clasped his hands together. ‘What do you have to do?’

‘It starts off as a two week course at their training site. They’re gonna pay for our accommodation and everything.’

Cas nodded, already nervous. ‘Is it far?’ he asked.

‘Hey, don’t worry,’ Gabriel said, noticing it in his voice. ‘I’ll be with you the whole time.’

‘All right.’

Gabriel patted his shoulder. ‘They’re gonna match you with a dog and show you the ropes, then you can bring it home, and they’ll send a trainer to help you for a little while, ‘til you and the dog know each other well enough. It’s a real good program as far as I can tell.’

‘When do we go?’

‘Next week! Are you excited?’

Cas took a deep breath. ‘I don’t know. A dog is a big responsibility.’

‘Hey, you got this,’ Gabriel said encouragingly. ‘Honestly, you need something else to do now anyway. How many times have you read all these books?’

Cas didn’t answer.

‘Exactly. You’ll do great. And I’ll get you some more books.’

They were quiet for a moment, the radio crackling.

‘Can you get my pizza?’

Gabriel snorted. ‘Yeah, I got it.’

  
  


Cas did begin to feel excitement as the week went on. It would be nice to have someone to talk to other than Gabriel, and he thought it might take some of the pressure off of Gabriel as well. He got some unintelligible texts from Gabriel on the night of his date with Balthazar, and assumed that meant it was going well.

The afternoon they were due to leave, Cas was carefully packing his clothes into a suitcase that Gabriel had bought for him. He’d thrown out the flowers after they lost their scent, and he’d felt a few of them drooping around the edge of the vase. The suitcase had a hard shell, and Gabriel had told him it was blue, but Cas suspected otherwise.

There was a knock on the door just as he’d folded up a pair of pants, and Cas hurried over.

‘You can’t keep forgetting your keys,’ Cas said as he opened the door to let Gabriel in. ‘I hear you can get GPS trackers for your keys now, maybe you ought to invest in one of those.’

‘Cas.’

Cas froze. ‘Dean?’ he said incredulously. ‘What- what are you doing here?’

‘I’m sorry, Cas, I had to see you,’ Dean said. His voice was hoarse and cracked. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Of- of course.’ Cas stood aside, and Dean brushed past him.

‘Is there… anyone else here?’

‘Just me,’ Cas said quietly.

‘Oh. I thought I saw you come back with someone a while ago.’

Cas frowned. ‘You mean Balthazar?’

‘Is that his name?’ said Dean, voice taking on a defeated tone.

‘Dean… he’s with Gabriel,’ Cas said softly. ‘Wait, you saw him?’

Dean didn’t answer, but Cas heard a sharp intake of breath.

Cas’s heart raced in his chest. Being so close to Dean again made him clench his fists. It was as though no time had passed at all, and he was still so drawn to Dean, it was almost painful to resist. ‘Why are you here?’ he whispered.

Dean stepped closer. He cupped Cas’s cheek and he sighed. ‘I miss you, Cas,’ he murmured. ‘I know you said that - that we can’t. But I just - I can’t-’ Dean seized Cas and kissed him, holding him tightly.

Cas couldn’t help it. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew he’d already closed that door, but he kissed Dean back, grabbing his collar and pulling him down.

Dean responded by running his fingers through Cas’s hair, knocking his glasses off. ‘I miss you,’ he whispered again, moving his hands down to Cas’s waist.

Cas put his hands on the back of Dean’s neck, but pulled away, alarmed. ‘Dean…’ He pressed his palm to Dean’s forehead, then his cheeks. ‘You’re feverish.’

‘It’s nothing.’

‘No, Dean, sit down. I’ll get you some water.’ He pushed Dean towards the couch and brought him a glass. ‘Take your jacket off,’ he said gently, helping Dean pull it off his arms, pretending not to be worried about how weak Dean suddenly was. ‘How did you get here? You didn’t drive, did you?’

‘I took a cab.’ Dean leaned back against the couch, but squeezed Cas’s hand. ‘I wanted to see you so badly.’ His voice cracked. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s all right, just drink your water. I’ll call Sam.’

‘ _No,’_ Dean groaned. ‘I just want to stay here.’

‘Dean, you’re sick. You have to go home.’ He took Dean’s phone from his jacket pocket and used it to call Sam.

‘ _Oh, thank God,’_ Sam said, when Cas told him Dean was there. ‘ _He’s been really sick, delirious the last couple days, then he just disappeared this morning. I’m on my way over.’_

Cas tucked the phone back in Dean’s pocket. ‘You’ve been sick?’

‘Not that bad,’ Dean mumbled. He shifted on the couch, then slumped over and collapsed into Cas’s lap. ‘I’m sorry,’ he croaked again. ‘I didn’t mean to fall for you.’

‘It’s all right, Dean.’

‘You’re just so beautiful, I couldn’t-’ He sniffed, and curled up, shivering. ‘I didn’t mean to make it so hard.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ Cas said, stroking Dean’s head. ‘Try and calm down, it’s going to be all right. What are you sick with?’

‘I don’t know, the flu or something.’

‘Drink your water.’

Cas rubbed Dean’s shaking shoulder, his stomach twisting. Heat radiated off of Dean, and he could barely hold the glass as he drank from it. Though he was worried, Cas still enjoyed how it felt to have Dean’s head in his lap, and the rhythm of Dean’s breathing under his fingers. But it couldn’t last, he told himself. Sam would be here soon and take Dean home, and he doubted Dean would even remember doing it by the time he recovered.

‘You’re amazing,’ Dean muttered, not completely conscious. ‘I missed you.’

‘Shh.’

It was a few minutes before Sam burst into the apartment, and Cas realised he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He put a hand over his eyes.

‘Sam, could you please pass me my glasses? I think they’re on the floor somewhere.’

‘Sure.’

Sam pressed them into his hand. ‘Man, you look awful,’ he said to Dean. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’

Dean just grunted.

‘I’m so sorry about this, Cas. Can you help me get him up?’

Cas nodded and gently lifted Dean off his lap. ‘Come on, Dean.’ They stood up, and Cas waited while Sam took Dean’s weight.

‘Is he going to be all right?’ Cas asked anxiously, following them to the door.

‘Yeah, he’ll be fine,’ Sam said, his keys jangling in his pocket. ‘The doctor said it’s a Soul sickness. A little worse than his usual cases, he says, but he should be fine in a week or so.’

‘Right,’ Cas nodded.

‘Thank you so much for your help. I won’t let him out of my sight this time.’

‘Should’ve brought flowers,’ Dean mumbled. ‘Cas loves flowers.’

Cas’s cheeks warmed.

‘Yeah, I know he does. Come on.’

Cas closed the door behind them, hovering over the handle for a while. His ears rang in the sudden silence, and he put a finger to his lips. They tingled from where Dean had kissed him. He shook his head and firmly locked the door. He didn’t have time to think about it now. He had to finish packing, so he returned to his room and angrily folded his clothes, only remembering to check the labels after he had already packed them. He tutted and threw everything out again, this time checking every single label to make sure he hadn’t packed anything ridiculous. He then put the suitcase by the front door and threw on his pajamas.

He couldn’t sleep for a long while, unable to take his mind off Dean. He wished he hadn’t let himself kiss Dean and reopen the wound, and he wished he didn’t still long to feel Dean’s touch. Above all, he wished he’d had the courage to tell Dean that he missed him too.

Cas groaned and rolled over. It wouldn’t do any good now. Tomorrow he was leaving. Tomorrow he was getting a dog. Tomorrow he wouldn’t be alone.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to QueenofHearts, Summer, VegasGranny, Ladyofletter1967 and nightmare_in_plaid for the comments! See you again soon!


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

  
  


Cas woke several times in the night, falling in and out of sleep. He couldn’t push Dean from his mind, and his heart ached. He was safe at Sam’s, Cas told himself. Sam would take care of him. But no matter how much he tried to force himself to let it go, he still got up the next morning with a headache, not feeling rested at all.

‘All right, let’s go!’ Gabriel said excitedly as he burst through the door.

Cas said nothing and dragged himself to his feet.

‘Whoa, what’s wrong?’

‘I’m tired,’ Cas mumbled. ‘Do we have to go?’

‘Uh, yeah, otherwise we’ll lose your place… Cas, what’s going on?’

Cas shrugged. ‘Dean was here last night. He’s sick.’ he added at Gabriel’s indignant exclamation. ‘I don’t think he was completely conscious.’

Gabriel sighed. ‘And now you’re thinking about him, and it kept you up last night. Got it.’

Anger swelled within Cas. ‘Do you think I want this?’ he demanded. ‘Do you think I want to be thinking about him all the time? I wish more than anything I could let it go, and I don’t know why I can’t. I know I should, but it’s not happening right now, so You’re going to have to deal with it, just as I am.’

Gabriel pulled him in for a hug. ‘You got it,’ he said. ‘The drive’s a few hours, so you can nap in the car. At the very least, try to be less grumpy while we’re there, okay?’

Cas nodded, resting his head on his brother’s shoulder. ‘Why won’t it stop?’ he whispered.

‘I don’t know, kid,’ Gabriel confessed. ‘Let’s just keep moving, that might help.’

‘All right.’ Cas let go of Gabriel and grabbed his suitcase, locking the door on their way out.

‘You didn’t even ask me how my date went,’ Gabriel said, injecting cheer back into his voice.

‘I’m assuming it went well by what I heard when you butt-dialled me,’ Cas said, not quite able to break through his grouchiness.

‘Oops,’ Gabriel laughed. ‘Let’s just say that he _is,_ in fact, a fan of the French horn.’

‘Ew,’ Cas complained, dragging his case down the stairs. ‘I didn’t ask.’

Gabriel just laughed, and took hold of Cas’s bag once they were outside. Cas followed the sound of the wheels until they reached Gabriel’s car and climbed in.

‘Are you going to see him again?’ Cas did eventually ask.

‘Yeah, I think so,’ said Gabriel. ‘We had a good time.’ Though it meant to come out as a joke, Cas heard something deeper there. Almost as though Gabriel was hopeful about a relationship for once. The thought comforted Cas, so he relaxed in the passenger seat, resting his head against the window.

Cas only made it through about an hour's worth of a nap, before he woke with a start, heart racing.

'You okay, kid?' Gabriel asked in concern. 'Nightmare?'

'I don't know,' Cas mumbled. He was sweaty, and could feel the heat of the sun on the side of his face. 'It's hot in here.' He groped for the button in the door and rolled down the window for some fresh air.

The further away from town they got, the worse Cas felt. It was as though something was tugging on him, trying to drag him home again. It tightened around his chest and stomach, until he couldn't stand it any more. 'Pull over,' he groaned, nausea rising in him.

Gabriel quickly brought the car to a stop, and Cas threw himself out, retching.

'Are you getting sick again?' Gabriel said, rubbing his back as he threw up on the side of the road.

'Maybe I'm just travel sick from riding in your horrible car,' Cas said hoarsely, eyes streaming.

'Don't blame my car for this.'

Cas rolled onto his back, feeling the dry grass and dust beneath him. 'I can't go any further,' he mumbled. 'Don't make me.'

'Okay, now you're just being dramatic. Get back in the car, we're getting that dog if it kills us.'

'Why is this so important to you?' Cas said queasily, climbing back into the car.

Gabriel sighed and didn't start the car straight away. 'I…' he began, then sighed again. 'I don't want you to be alone.'

Cas didn't say anything.

'I hate the thought of you sitting all by yourself when I'm not around, and… I might not be around much…'

Cas stiffened. 'Are you sick? Are you dying?'

'What? No! God no,' Gabriel said hastily.

'Then what?'

'I, uh… I don't really know how to say it…'

'Just spit it out, Gabriel!'

'All right, fine.' Gabriel drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. 'When I said it went well with Balthazar…'

'... Yes?'

'It kinda turns out that he's sort of my Soulmate.'

'Really?'

'A little bit, yeah.'

Cas could tell he was holding his breath. 'But, Gabriel, that's great news!' said Cas. 'Why wouldn't you want to tell me?'

'You're just having a hard time, and I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you, or something.'

Cas slapped Gabriel's arm. 'I would never think that, dumbass.'

Gabriel snorted. 'I just worry about you, that's all.'

'Well you're an idiot.' Cas grabbed a water bottle and gulped some down, calming his stomach somewhat. 'How did you find out anyway? Sam and Eileen told me it takes a while to get to that point.'

'I don't know, I guess it's different for everyone,' Gabriel said slowly. 'We've been friends a long time, maybe we needed to get over ourselves, or something.' Gabriel laughed.

Cas took another sip of water. 'I find it highly amusing that you tried to set me up with your Soulmate,' he sniggered.

'Yeah, yeah, can we go now?' The car was still sitting on the side of the road.

Cas’s stomach lurched again. 'If it's that important to you,' Cas sighed, curling up against the door.

Gabriel restarted the car and pulled away.

Cas felt the squeezing again, and shuddered. 'What did it feel like?' Cas asked, to distract himself.

'I don't know… It felt _right._ Like you're really connected to someone. Seeing someone else's String is really something. It's incredible, and they match completely…' Gabriel trailed off at Cas's silence. 'Jeez, I'm sorry.'

Cas shook his head. 'It's fine. I'm past that. I know I'll never see it.' But he knew he was lying. 'I'm happy for you. Really.'

'I just never thought it would happen. My String changed so many times, I thought maybe the universe was just messing with me.' Gabriel hesitated for a moment. 'Maybe it'll happen that way for you too, when you least expect it.'

Cas nodded vaguely, unable to stop thoughts of Dean flooding through him.

Gabriel seemed to know what he was thinking. 'How do you know it isn't him?'

'Because I know,' Cas snapped.

'I didn't know for a long time either,' Gabriel said slowly.

'I can't take that risk. We've been over this, stop asking.'

'Are you worried he'll get hurt? I think he can handle it, you know.'

'It's not that,' Cas said, rubbing his face.

'Oh, do tell.'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'Tough. I'm your big brother, so you have to tell me. Them's the rules.'

Cas sunk even further down in the seat, his feet up on the dashboard. 'I just… I couldn't stand it if we… and Dean found someone else. It would hurt too much.'

'Oh, so this is about what happened with Alfie.'

'He has _nothing_ to do with this,' Cas said sharply. 'I'm not talking about this anymore. How long until we get there?'

'Another couple hours, I'd say.'

Cas switched on Gabriel's radio and pretended to go back to sleep, ignoring Gabriel's attempts to talk to him. He was just as crabby when they finally reached the hotel. He held Gabriel's arm loosely as he walked them in. Gabriel put him on one of the beds in their room and immediately lay down.

'Don't get too comfortable,' said Gabriel, 'we've only got about an hour before we need to be downstairs.'

Cas groaned and pushed himself back up. 'Where's the bathroom, I want to wash up.'

Gabriel took him by the hand, which he placed on the sink in the bathroom, and left Cas alone.

Cas splashed cool water over himself while Gabriel unpacked. He could still feel the tugging in his chest, but it was less insistent now that they had stopped moving. 'Is there any mouthwash in here?' Cas called.

'Yeah, hang on.' Gabriel put a small bottle in his hand, and waited patiently for him to finish washing the grime and nasty taste out of his mouth. When he was ready, Cas looped his arm back through Gabriel's and tucked his cane into his pocket. He began to feel nervous again.

'Maybe I'm not ready for a dog,' Cas said in the elevator, clutching Gabriel tightly.

'You're being an idiot, of course you can take care of a dog.'

Cas didn't respond.

'You're just gonna have to deal with it, it's too late to back out now.'

Cas smelled fresh air as they walked back out of the hotel, and springy astroturf grazed his shoes. He heard another set of shoes approaching, and the stepping of paws. He bit his lip.

'Hi, you must be Gabriel and Castiel!' an enthusiastic woman's voice said.

'That's us,' Gabriel said, jerking Cas's arm around as he shook her hand.

'My name's Daisy, and I thought we could just get right into the introductions.'

Cas bit his lip again.

'He's a little nervous,' said Gabriel, earning himself an elbow to the ribs. 'He's worried he can't care for a dog.'

'Oh, don't worry about that, that's all part of our home training,' Daisy said brightly. 'How about it, Castiel? Are you ready?'

Cas nodded and loosened his grip on Gabriel.

'This is Claire,' said Daisy, and Cas jumped at the wet thing that touched his hand.

He reached his hand out until he felt soft fur under his fingers.

'She's a golden retriever, she's almost two, and she's super chilled out. Great for someone who's a little less confident about their surroundings.'

Cas's cheeks warmed a little, but Claire stood patiently while Cas pet her head. He hesitantly let go of Gabriel with both hands, so he could crouch in front of Claire. She snuffled in his ear and licked his face, and Cas chuckled, his fingers running through her fur. She felt strong and steady, and he already felt better in her presence.

‘Nice to meet you, Claire,’ he murmured, and she licked him again.

‘Look at that, I think he likes her,’ Gabriel laughed.

Cas kept a hand on Claire’s head. He could tell she was wagging her tail by the way she moved, and a smile spread over his face.

‘Okay then, first of all, I’m going to show you how to get her harness on, and then we’ll go for a walk. How does that sound?’

Cas nodded and let Daisy move his hands around, showing him how to clip on the harness, then how to attach the handle.

‘You’ll hold on to this,’ she said, placing his hand on the rounded handle once they’d finished attaching it. ‘She’s already fully trained with this, so all you need to worry about is keeping a hold of it.’

Cas stood, holding it tightly with one hand and reaching out for Gabriel with the other.

‘Oh am I coming too?’ Gabriel sniggered.

‘This was _your_ idea.’

‘Yeah, you’re welcome.’

Claire waited patiently at his side, pressing her body against his leg so that he knew she was still there. He could hear her quietly panting, not quite able to calm her excitement. He found he didn’t mind though. It was endearing. He gave her the command that Daisy showed him. ‘Let’s go, Claire,’ he said to her. She moved slowly but surely forwards, not too far ahead for Cas to keep up.

He kept her pace as slow as possible at first, getting used to how her movements felt, and the heaviness of the handle.

They just walked around on the astroturf at first, making laps around the rectangular space. Claire gently turned him around corners, indicated with a nose against his leg. After a few more laps, Cas finally felt confident enough to let go of Gabriel.

At first he felt very exposed and vulnerable, his cane still folded up in his pocket, but Claire’s quiet confidence and surefootedness reassured him. Soon he was smiling again, not sure what to do with the free feeling that filled his chest and made him feel light.

‘Hey, you wanna try something else?’ Gabriel called.

‘All right.’

‘We’re gonna cross the road back over to the hotel,’ said Gabriel, coming back to walk next to him, but giving him his space. He made sure Cas was walking in the right direction, and watched closely.

Cas walked with Claire, and she stopped him when they reached the edge of the astroturf. Cas waited until he was sure there was no traffic, then walked forward with Claire. She kept him walking straight forwards, and his smile widened when they reached the other side. She had removed at least one of the elements that made him nervous to cross the street.

‘Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea,’ Cas said to Gabriel, once they crossed back to the astroturf.

‘That’s what I’ve been trying to say,’ Gabriel said exasperatedly.

They walked around for a little bit longer, until Daisy approached them. ‘Looks like you guys are getting along swimmingly,’ she said warmly. ‘We’ll start some work on our commands tomorrow, and get to work on the training. But for now, I’ll show you how to take off the harness and you guys can just hang out for the night and get to know each other, what do you think?’

‘That sounds great,’ Cas said.

  
  


That night, after a long dinner, Cas lay in bed. Claire was lying on the floor by the side of his bed, and he could hear her breathing.

‘I think we’ll make a good team,’ he whispered to her, and heard her thump her tail against the carpet in response.

Gabriel stirred but didn’t wake.

For the first time in a while, Cas felt comforted and safe, until he remembered that the last time he’d felt that way was when Dean was there. He sighed and rolled over. He couldn’t stop thoughts of Dean from washing through his mind again, and the ache in his chest returned. He didn’t bother to fight it, and instead fell asleep curled up with his hand over his chest.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Thanks to SOOOmanycats, Jazive02Cacho, Ladyofletters1967, VegasGranny and Why_do_you_want_to_know for the comments! See you again soon :)


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